Drug testing

Why Wont My Teens Clean Their Room?

Have you ever had this struggle with your teens? Did you get to the results that you were looking for? Did moving toward those results create an unexpected rift between you and your teen? Parents complain to me that when their teens won't do their chores and, as a result, they punish their teens, there is conflict and a damaged relationship. Parents say that they don't want their relationship with their teens to suffer. They say that they understand that discipline and order is needed in their teens' lives, but are at a loss at how to encourage it in a way that allows their relationship with their teens to keep thriving. So what is there to do?

I was asking that to myself last week when a friend and I had the opportunity to spend a wonderful week in the woods with nine 14 year-old girls at a meditation camp. Shortly after the girls walked into the very rustic and dusty cabin, we played a couple of fun icebreaker games. It was a great way for us to get to know the girls, for the girls to get to know each other, and for them to get to know us. After the games, and before our first meditation, we passed a "clean cabin" chore list. They all promptly chose two daily chores each by writing their name on the chore schedule of the week.

My co-cabin leader said that she felt that that would be enough to persuade the girls to do their chores, and that she wanted to focus on joy and spirituality for the week. That sounded pleasant to me so I left it at that.

As the first day went by, surprise, surprise? clothes and many other items were starting to pile up on the floor, the bunks, and on our large work table. I noticed that by the end of the day none of the girls had done any of their chores. My co-leader also noticed the piles and said that we needed to be patient with the girls, and that they would do their chores soon.

By lunch on the second day, possibly because the awful camp food had gotten to me, I decided that I needed to act on what I knew. Although the girls had smiled and written their names on the chore schedule, I knew they had no intention of doing any of them.

Before I blinked, I caught myself thinking the usual negative things- these girls are? (I am sure you can fill in the blank here!) I quickly stopped myself. I knew that kind of thinking was not helpful and was not going to get me to the results that I wanted- the girls doing their chores every day, while having fun and continuing to have a good relationship with me.

In all the years that I have worked with parents, kids, teens, teachers, school administrators, psychiatrists, etc., I have seen many adults pressure, manipulate, and punish teens to get them to do their chores, in vain. The chores are still not fully done on a regular basis and the relationship gets severed. Then what is there to do? In my work with hundreds of teens and kids I discovered a simple and powerful way to resolve this type of situations.

I have seen that teens and kids are not really committed and able to do a chore unless there is in place an agreement they co-created with the parent or adult and think that it is fair. That means that they: 1) fully agree to do that particular chore; 2) clearly understand what they need to do for the chore to be completed; 3) have the support they may need to get it done. Of course, this all depends on their age and maturity. I have seen this work with kids as young as three years old!

Now back to the woods, I could tell that the girls wrote their names on the chore schedule but they were not fully in agreement in doing those chores. There were was no real commitment. On the second day of camp, when my co-leader and I had a conversation with the girls, many of them revealed to us that, unless they agree verbally to something, it is not a real agreement to them. Strike one- in this particular case, we did not know they needed a verbal agreement.

Later that day, when we asked the girl that had the chore of cleaning the bathrooms, when was she planning to clean them, she was in tears because she had already cleaned them but we thought they were still dirty. Strike two-we had not explained to them what cleaning the bathrooms meant to us. When we explained what we meant she cleaned them in a jiffy. One of girls accepted the chore of sweeping the floor, she had never done it before in her life, and did not do it because she rather not do it that do it wrong. Strike three- when they signed to do the chore, we did not ask what that type of support they needed to do their chores. In the midst of so many strikes, we managed to hit a home run by speaking to the girls and getting a fair agreement between us.

Do you know what kind of agreement for cleaning their room works best with your teens? Do they need to agree verbally? Is a simple signed agreement more effective? Do they feel that the agreement is fair? Are they absolutely clear of what cleaning their room means? Maybe a clean room to them means a dirty one to you. Make sure that it is clear to them what you mean by clean. Also, often teens need some type of support to clean their room. For example, setting an alarm clock to remind them, or having a checklist of what are the different things that they need to do in order for their room to be to clean. Do you know what kind of support your teens need?

The girls at the camp said that they liked the agreement because it was not forced on them but instead was also created with their ideas. They told us that since it was their agreement they wanted to do their chores. During the last days of camp every girl in the cabin joyfully announced to the rest of us that this had been the best and most fun year at camp (they started coming to camp since they were ten years-old) and that they had the greatest leaders because they truly care about them, understood them and treated them well. Needless to say, the results I was looking for were met.

I propose that you make an effort to find-out what type agreements work with your teens and create agreements that are clear and supportive to both you and your teens.

Think back to when you were a kid. If you parents had taken the time to make agreements with you that you understood, could do, and felt were fair to you, how would that have influenced your life? It is within your power to give that to your teens today!

If you want more support and details on how to make a fair and successful agreement with your teens call me at 310/247-0523 or email me at orly@ourextraordinarykids.com

I encourage you to make the kind of agreements with your teens and see what happens. I would love to hear your success stories and comments. Please email me at orly@ourextraordinarykids.com or visit my website www.ourextraordinarykids.com

Why are some kids and teens self-confident and self-reliant and others are not? Orly Szerman is a published author, teacher and confidence coach. If you want to further develop your parent success and raise self-confident and self-reliant kids and teens, visit her website, http://www.ourextraordinarykids.com

Orly Szerman M.S., has been working with parents, kids, teens, families and couples for almost ten years as a therapist, certified parent coach, teacher and family advocate. She is the founder and president of Our Extraordinary Kids and a faculty member of Parent as Coach Academy. Orly created and designed innovative parent programs for STAR Education, which was selected as a model program by the White House and the U.S. Department of Education. She specializes in helping parents raise self-confident and self-reliant kids and teens. If you want to further develop your parent success and raise self-confident and self-reliant kids & teens visit her website http://www.ourextraordinarykids.com or email her at orly@ourextraordinarykids.com

In The News:

A so-far unseen celestial collision could be astronomers' best bet for figuring out just how quickly the universe is expanding.
Scientists have finally unlocked the secrets of a mysterious 2,000-year-old papyrus document.
Prestige Oysters, one of the nation’s leading oyster distributors, is planting 10,000 tons of limestone off the coast of Galveston County. The latest endeavor is the first new reef on a private lease in the area in about 40 years. Last year, Hurricane Harvey caused salinity levels to drop, leading to the widespread death of oysters in the area.
The ongoing eruption of Hawaii's Kilauea Volcano and continued lava flows into the sea has created a tiny new landmass off the Big Island, officials revealed Friday.
Photos of the critter stuck in the jar were posted on Facebook.
A silver face mask gilded with gold, a mummification workshop, mummies and sarcophagi have all been discovered at a tomb complex in Saqqara, Egypt, an Egyptian-German team announced this morning (July 14).
Our solar system is in constant motion, with all eight planets — and dwarf planet Pluto — orbiting the sun. Most of those planets are visible from Earth, even to the naked eye. If you track them in the sky night after night, you'll notice that their position changes slightly; as they orbit the sun, they appear to move from west to east against a fixed backdrop of distant stars.
Berlin’s ruins still smoldered as three Soviet military intelligence officers questioned a tall, lithe blonde in 1945. A Red Army lieutenant, the group’s translator, opened the burgundy satin cover of a cheap jewelry box and showed her its contents.
Stargazers were met with a glittering spectacle across the United States Sunday night.
After NASA's Mercury Surface, Space Environment and Geochemistry Ranging (MESSENGER) mission ended in 2015, the crust of the solar system's innermost planet was thought to be roughly 22 miles (35 kilometers) thick. However, one scientist now disagrees.

Normal and Logical Consequences

Successful parents have learned to be both firm and kind... Read More

Why Scrapbooking Moms are the Secret Weapon in the War on Terror

There is a front line and a back end to... Read More

How Public Schools Lie to Parents and Betray Our Children

Under the "No Child Left Behind Act," public schools whose... Read More

More than Mom and Dad

Love, love, love. It makes the world go round. It... Read More

Examining Drugs for ADHD, Particularly Strattera

In memory of 14 year old Matthew Smith; 11 year... Read More

Baby Name Meanings

Speaking as a Michael (a Hebrew name, meaning "Who is... Read More

Bird Flu Pandemic

What are the easiest things citizens can do to prevent... Read More

Are You Frustrated With Public Schools?

Join a growing number of parents and teachers!Fact: Last year,... Read More

Now, They?re Bullying My Daughter in Our Home: Welcome to Cyber-bullying

Last night Tom's daughter, Sue, came out of her room... Read More

Get Down (On The Floor!) And Play With Your Children

When was the last time you and your kids rolled... Read More

A Call For Fathers

Dads, please let me encourage you to change some things... Read More

The Forgotten Secret of the Ancient Greeks that Shows Us How to Keep Our Teenagers Out of Trouble

To every thing there is a season, and a time... Read More

Teaching Reading: Part 3, Whole Language Vs. Phonics

There are two methods for teaching children to read; whole... Read More

How to Deal with Your Child?s Inappropriate Behaviour

Children bombard parents with many challenging behaviours. We are delighted... Read More

I Cant Sleep Without You

When my firstborn arrived into this serene and peaceful household,... Read More

Teach Your Kids to Cook Well, Eliminating Excessive Health Care Needs in the Future

We are all aware of the child obesity epidemic that... Read More

Internet Dangers - Protecting Children from Internet Jeopardy

Parents are in a unique position to "monitor" their children's... Read More

Are You Reading to Your Kids?

Over a number of years there have been issues raised... Read More

Send Your Child to College FREE!

College is one of the largest expenses through the course... Read More

Top Five Ways To Stay In Touch With Your Child

Once your little boy/girl goes off to school, you may... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: 3 Ways to Make the Time

Every now and then I'll get a story sent to... Read More

Using Pocket-money To Promote Independence In Kids

In seminars I am often asked about pocket-money and whether... Read More

How to Give Your Child Encyclopedic Knowledge?

When you talk about multiply your child's intelligence, you can't... Read More

Create a Story Book with Your Child

A fun way to build your child's imaginationWriting is still... Read More

Lets Not Hurry Children Through Childhood

Have you ever experienced one of those days when you... Read More

best street lights led street light specifications Pete's produce ..