A parent writes in, ``We are having a hard time in our family deciding on appropriate punishments when our teen-ager breaks family rules. We can't tell if we are too strict or too lenient. What can we do?''
This seems to be a place where many parents get stuck. Questions about appropriate punishment and consequences are very important.
Now notice, if you will, that I just said punishment and consequences, not just punishment. This is because I believe there is an important distinction to be made.
The difference has to do with what our goal is in responding to unacceptable and inappropriate behavior.
If it's to vent our anger, control the teen-ager and provoke resentment, then punishment is the way to go.
If, on the other hand, our goal is to send a clear message, manage and guide the teen-ager, and provide instruction about life, then consequences are the way to go.
The purpose of establishing consequences for behavior is to teach about the real world.
There are basically two kinds of consequences - natural and logical.
Natural consequences occur naturally, as a result of behavior and choices. In the adult world, if we run red lights, we can get hit and hurt; if we don't show up for work without a reason, we can get fired.
In the world of kids, there are times when allowing natural consequences to occur is much too dangerous. A parent should never allow the natural consequences of running into a busy street, for example, to occur.
When natural consequences are too dangerous, it's time to create logical consequences. In general, these involve some loss of privileges as a result of irresponsible behavior.
There are two general models that I use when structuring appropriate logical consequences.
The first was designed by Stephen Glenn, the author of "How to Raise Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World." It involves the three R's of logical consequences: related, respectful and reasonable.
Related. Related simply means related to the behavior. If a child violates curfew, making him stay late at school or mow the lawn is not related. The temporary loss of the privilege of going out is related.
Respectful. We need to avoid two things here: The first is humiliating the teen-ager; the second is inconveniencing the adult.
Reasonable. ``You are grounded for life and will never see the light of day again'' is unreasonable. ``Your behavior and choices have caused you to lose the privilege of going out tomorrow night'' is reasonable.
I have found Glenn's model very useful in my work with families. To these three R's, I've added three S's: strong, swift and short-term.
Strong. ``Honey, I really wish you wouldn't come in so many hours after your curfew'' is not strong. Losing the privilege of going out on the very next opportunity is strong.
Swift. Adults and teen-agers differ in their perception of time. As adults, if we are told a project is due in two months, we know we need to get moving yesterday. For many teens, two months equals eternity, which equals no motivation.
For consequences to be effective, they need to be closely linked in time to the misbehavior.
For teen-agers, not being able to go on a trip six months from now for flunking a test is ineffective. Having to spend extra time during the next three days studying and therefore losing the privilege of afternoon free time is swift and effective.
Short-term. When I was 13 years old, my parents grounded me for life. (If you want to find out why, come to one of my seminars!) For logical consequences to be effective, they need to be relatively short-term. Again, this goes back to the issue of time.
For most teen-agers, anything lasting longer than a few days or weeks (as long as the consequence is strong and swift) becomes ineffective. Anything longer breeds resentment, contempt and revenge, and negates any lessons about life that might have been taught.
The purpose of parenting teens is to prepare them for life on their own. Using the R's and S's of consequences can allow the parents to be in charge while teaching the lessons of life.
For more tips and strategies for managing the teen years, visit parenting coach Jeff Herring's parentingyourteenager.com and check out his Back to School Success Tips.
The Internet is one of the greatest inventions of all... Read More
It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other, complaining... Read More
Not all parents subscribe to the notion of "tough love,"... Read More
Even as a busy parent, I'm sure you've seen a... Read More
As a mom of 4 who's youngest child is about... Read More
1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a... Read More
I had my first two children on either side of... Read More
While youth gangs are nothing new -- they've been traced... Read More
Parents of teenagers frequently ask what can be done to... Read More
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think... Read More
The most common medications used in the treatment of Attention... Read More
What one word best sums up summer fun? Water. I... Read More
The Flow of WaterWater is essential for life on the... Read More
Here is a list of ways to convey the message... Read More
So, the thing is? I am feeling a little guilty.I... Read More
We take it for granted that children know how money... Read More
In the last few years, parents started getting more and... Read More
The main thing we noticed since having a baby is... Read More
Although many children are picky eaters at some stage in... Read More
In the last 20 years we've all been introduced to... Read More
Are you considering a car wash fundraiser for your group?... Read More
Coping with a child's bad behavior, perhaps more than any... Read More
Predicament:My son is 4 1/2 years old. His younger brother... Read More
Have you ever experienced one of those days when you... Read More
Former students would probably attest to the fact that few... Read More
Former students would probably attest to the fact that few... Read More
Every school year parents and students dutifully trudge through the... Read More
In the beginning, having children was just a byproduct of... Read More
This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances... Read More
There is nothing quite like hiking with small children. The... Read More
With the beginning of the new school year coming VERY... Read More
Bi-Polar Disorder, or Manic Depression, is characterized by mood swings,... Read More
Mother's Day is important for children.This Mother's Day take note... Read More
Just the other day, I was talking to some other... Read More
You can learn a lot from children.The best part of... Read More
What is in a name?The answer is everything!Jo J. of... Read More
When you talk about multiply your child's intelligence, you can't... Read More
As mothers, we play so many different roles and most... Read More
I was in the life insurance sales industry for over... Read More
How would you like to have a closer relationship with... Read More
Time management is an organisational concept traditionally associated with adults... Read More
Choosing a baby name is an important job, so make... Read More
In elementary school it's pretty straightforward: bringing in cupcakes to... Read More
Many reasons will cause some people to feel the need... Read More
Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More
Most research into children's friendships shows that those children who... Read More
To every thing there is a season, and a time... Read More
Quite simply, an absolute nightmare for parents and babies alike,... Read More
Here are some things that you can do to help... Read More
In a consumer-driven society that broadcasts values you don't approve... Read More
Parenting |