Here is a list of ways to convey the message "You are worthwhile" to your children. This list could fill a hundred newsletters, since the ways to raise responsible, happy children are limited only by our imaginations. Here are some places to begin.
1. Tell her on a regular basis that you love her. Actually say the words. If you think, "I don't have to tell her. She knows," you are wrong. It doesn't count if you think it but don't say it out loud.
2. Tell him that you are glad he is your child. Say the words and mean them. If you don't feel it, there is something wrong and you should find out what's going on. We all have moments when we have a hard time getting in touch with our positive feelings for our children. I'm not talking about those times. I'm talking about in general, most of the time, if you're not feeling good about being your child's parent, something is wrong. He will never feel good about himself if he senses that you are not connected to him.
3. Give her an example to follow. Take the time to teach her the steps. Kids need models. It's unfair to expect that she will know what to do in her daily life if you haven't shown her how to do it.
4. Spend time with him. If you are absent most of the time, he notices, and he probably thinks it's because he isn't important enough.
5. Look at her when you speak to her. This conveys, "This is important and you are important."
6. Look at him when he speaks to you. This conveys, "What you are saying is important. You are important."
7. Explain why. It takes more time, but it conveys that she is important enough to spend the time helping her understand. When you explain why, you are also saying, "I understand that you need to know why. I am going to help you meet your needs."
8. When he tells you about something that happened, ask him how he feels about it. Take the time to listen to his answer.
9. When you ask a question, encourage her to elaborate. Say, "Tell me more about that," or ask, "What was that like?"
10. When you ask a question, don't interrupt when she is answering.
11. When you ask a question, watch your responses. Don't disagree or criticize his answer. This teaches him that it isn't safe to be candid and will make him edit what he tells you.
12. Take her seriously.
13. Participate in the driving. The kids whose parents never help with the driving feel bad about themselves.
14. Say no when you need to say no. Kids need to know there are limits and that some things are outside of those limits.
15. When you say no, explain why.
16. When you say yes, explain why.
17. Set a positive example with your own behavior. You can only expect her to behave with dignity and self-respect if she sees you doing it.
18. When you lose your temper or make a mistake, apologize. Say that you are sorry, be specific about what you are sorry for, and give him a chance to respond.
19. When you know that you have disappointed him, acknowledge it. Ask him how he feels about it.
20. Spend time alone with her. Arrange activities for just the two of you.
21. Ask him what he would like to do.
22. Give her a private space where she can express herself.
23. Respect his privacy.
24. If he did a good job on something, say so.
25. If she didn't do such a good job on something, point out what she did well.
26. After a disappointment or failure, ask, "What did you learn from the experience?"
27. When you are giving feedback, describe specific behavior. For example, "I like how you asked the question so politely" or "You still need to pick up the towels off the floor."
28. When there is a problem, focus on the issue, not the child. For example, "You didn't do the last ten problems on this assignment" is more constructive than "You never finish anything."
29. Ask what he thinks.
30. Let her be the one to choose the restaurant, movie, or activity some of the time.
31. Ask him to go with you on routine errands just because you want to spend some time with him.
32. Touch her when you talk to her.
33. Give him a hug at least every few days.
34. Go in and say goodnight before she goes to sleep. (This is easy to forget once they become teenagers.)
35. Look up and smile when he walks into the room.
36. Introduce yourself when she is with a new friend.
37. Ask her to tell you about the book she is reading or the movie she just saw.
38. Review child development literature regularly to stay updated on what is normal at each age and stage. It is important to recheck your standards and expectations to be sure they are realistic for the child's age and individual abilities.
39. Look for ways to maintain your own self-esteem. If you are unhappy, discontent, or disappointed in how your life is turning out, it will be difficult for you to build the self-esteem of your children.
40. Every child needs to be the object of a parent's undivided attention on a regular basis.
41. Make certain that your body language matches your words. If they are out of synch, he will be aware of it.
42. Be yourself. Tell the truth.
43. Be appropriate. You don't have to say everything that is on your mind or tell him things he isn't ready to know.
44. If you show that you accept yourself and your actions, you give permission to her to do the same.
Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or 201-303-4303.
Culver prom limo ..Q: A parent writes in to ask, "You write a... Read More
Spare the rod, spoil the child!This philosophy's been around a... Read More
Paula's last child had just gone off to college and... Read More
Quite simply, an absolute nightmare for parents and babies alike,... Read More
There is nothing quite like hiking with small children. The... Read More
One of the most important aspects of parenting, is ensuring... Read More
Many reasons will cause some people to feel the need... Read More
If you really want to get your children to eat... Read More
We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit how... Read More
Is there a fathering instinct?Celebrated child development expert Erik Erikson... Read More
This time, I would like to talk about a subject... Read More
Saying no to our children is not always easy or... Read More
The biggest trick some child predators' are using these days... Read More
This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances... Read More
Because most teens have not had the experience of getting... Read More
Did you know that many people retire broke?It's true. After... Read More
So you want to be a mum? Every time you... Read More
Often I have heard that leaders are born, not made.... Read More
The time you will need to teach your children the... Read More
Do you struggle to get your child to bed at... Read More
It's been raining for a week and the kids and... Read More
1. New Word of the DayIntroduce your preschooler to a... Read More
Is Homework Really That Important?Dear Friends,I no longer teach in... Read More
Research has shown that the present generation of children worldwide... Read More
17 Quick Ways to Strengthen the Bonds of LoveOn Mother's... Read More
Wood Dale limo ..We know that ancient cultures and Indians and the like... Read More
Vacations are fun ! Weekends with the family are nice.... Read More
O.K. So now you have taken the step of having... Read More
The wonderful adaptability of children in dealing with the challenges... Read More
Imagine yourself lying flat on your back, totally strapped down... Read More
If you spend any time in the parenting section of... Read More
Isn't it ironic that a country whose constitution allows for... Read More
It's back to school time again. Does the thought of... Read More
Last night Tom's daughter, Sue, came out of her room... Read More
"Family Matters" was the headline that caught my attention in... Read More
Parents, when you help your children learn to read, you... Read More
Younger generations unfortunately will not understand how larger than life... Read More
Many working families choose a commercial or individual day care... Read More
Should a parent give a child a tangible reward when... Read More
Start some gardening traditions with your kids. Give them their... Read More
Q. With another school year starting, we are not sure... Read More
I am a single mother of a 17 year old... Read More
Volunteering together is a fantastic way to spend time as... Read More
Checking accounts are an absolute necessity these days. You can... Read More
I don't know how people raise daughters because I have... Read More
In our last issue we posted some of our suggested... Read More
There are only two ways to get more money:1) Increase... Read More
This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances... Read More
During the assessment process it is of great importance for... Read More
There are moments in a parent's or grandparent's life, when... Read More
Parenting |