Marriages May End But Families Are Forever

It was at that time when our marriage was falling apart and we completely hated each other when we needed to work constructively as parents, as our child's world was crumbling too.

I have been divorced for over five years now and have a beautiful eleven year old daughter. My ex-husband has re married. They now have a baby girl. I get along very well with my ex husband and his wife and there are many reasons for this friendship.

Deciding to have a child was a separate commitment from the one we made to marry each other. So, from the time we divorced, we decided that we would not let that come in the way of us constructively being her parents.

Yes, but it was hard as we were both very childish back then. We both did terrible things to each other. He hid her passport and often threatened to take her away from me. I threatened to get a restraining order in place, such that he could not come within a certain radius of me. There was name-calling that lasted for months. We each competed for her love and affection and we each thought we were "better". Luckily, both of us grew up and owned up to our respective childishness.

We had a few bad-examples around us to show us what we did not want for her and we genuinely started to cooperate.

I realised that no one apart from him has her best interest at heart as much as me. I also realised later when he was about to re-marry that I didn't want my daughter to have to be with a Fairy Tale 'Wicked Step Mother'. With these things in mind, I decided consciously to prioritise this friendship between my ex husband and myself, initially and then later, when he re married, I made choices to encourage a healthy and working friendship between his wife and myself, respecting her role as his wife and my daughter's step mother and often seeking her support and opinions. I was careful never to cross the boundaries or to take advantage of the fact that I too was once married to him, for example, I never referred to my ex husband and me as "we" in front of her. I appreciate her influence in my daughter's life. I discovered that people generally have so much to contribute to others, if we would only let them. I learnt from them too that when in a relationship or marriage, it was very healthy to encourage your current partner to tolerate and accept your ex spouse being discussed politely in the household.

What the experts think

You may think that this is about sacrificing and giving in but really it's about being selfish. This is an approach preferred by Dr. Ron Wilkinson, PH.D, a psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, with 23 years clinical experience working with families. In my discussions with him, he said "I encourage parents to be goal-oriented and selfish. In our culture, 'selfish' tends to be seen as a dirty word. In a more pure sense, however, a selfish person is someone who gets what they want." When each parent sees that there is something in it for them, to have a friendship with the ex-husband, for example, getting to look like the good guy, it makes the whole task easier to do.

Family functioning has been the major emphasis of Dr. Wilkinson's study and training at both the master's and doctoral level. He has treated many families struggling with this very issue, and has found time and again that nothing is more important to a child's life post-divorce than the relationship between the two parents. Both his clinical and personal experience was confirmed by his 1992 research: that the parents' relationship, more than anything else, determines the child's post-divorce functioning.

A child, even a grown up one, is not concerned with who is right and who is wrong. They are concerned with having a relationship with both parents-regardless of their age.

All this requires fortitude and focus on the goal and not allowing the day to day irritations to get to you. In my training and experiences as a Life Coach and a parent, I learnt to practice the art of Responding versus Reacting. A reaction is automatic, not thought through consequentially, whereas a response is chosen. Between an action and its reaction there is a space, and in that space is the opportunity to choose. Responding is using that space to make that choice and to do or say what will get you closer to your goal rather than away from it. In your dealings with your ex spouse, always remind yourself that your goal is having a working and pleasant relationship with them and it is your goal because of what it's going to bring YOU. Not just your child.

Develop the habit of carefully choosing your responses instead of impulsively reacting to each other.

Trust is one of the most important ingredients in this relationship. Remember that we are dealing here with your Flesh and Blood, and your ex-husband's Flesh and Blood too. Both need to feel that the other will do what he/she says they will.

Win Win

Another thing that helps is to be polite "Please" and "Thank you" will get you very far. -just remember "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". In that way you win and your child wins. Of course, your ex spouse also wins. In human relationships, such as marriage and co-parenting either both partners actually win or actually lose. And when one wins at the expense of the other, the one who really loses is the child. So, although sometimes, revenge may seem sweet, check yourself and notice that the only ones who suffer and lose is your child.

Dr. Rick Hanson PH.D says that about 90% of what enables divorced parents to work well together is exactly what enables married parents to work well together, including personal well-being, insight into oneself, emotional openness, civility, empathy, goodwill, clarity about the values and principles that guide parenting practices, and skill at negotiating practical arrangements. The other 10% has to do with things like keeping one's feelings about the divorce compartmentalised away from the business of co-parenting, working out the details of money, custody, vacations, grandparents and integrating new friends/lovers/mates. Employing the services of a Life Coach can make this a lot easier.

If all else fails, Dr. Hanson suggests - imagine that a video recording is being made of your discussion/quarrel/fight with your ex- and your children will be viewing it at some time in the future: how do you want to appear?

It's okay to love them

Often children feel torn between two parents, this happens within marriages, and definitely in divorced families. It was important for my daughter to see that I was not jealous or hurt that she loved her step mom and her half sister too. We have pictures all over our place of her little half sister. I did not want to separate my child's family from her.

There is nothing easy about this, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. It is hard work. But it's worth it. When we make a decision to have a child, it is a lifetime commitment and a promise to provide this child with all they need. Divorce may happen but does that mean that we deprive our child of their family? It's never too late to start building this alliance.

Get clear on what you want for your child and yourself. Think ahead into the future-how it will impact your child when, because of your choices; only one parent is at their graduation, in the hospital waiting room when they get hurt or sick, or at their wedding? Children need both parents and if through a little hard work and perseverance, you can ensure that your child has that, why not do your part?

Ron Wilkinson, Ph.D. A psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, with 23 years clinical experience working with families. On a more personal note he co-parented his two sons, now 21 and 24, with his ex-wife for the last 13 years and they remain friends yet today. He was very generous to discuss this topic at length with me.

Rick Hanson, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, father (with Jan Hanson) of a 15-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter, and first author of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships (Penguin, 2002).

About The Author

Malti Bhojwani is a trained Life Coach, certified in Neuro Linguistic Programming. She challenges her clients by phone internationally, to re-own their wonderful attributes, which they have "forgotten" using powerful techniques to help discover strategies and create new ones. She works with you to integrate conflicting parts, because she believes that we can only truly move ahead when we are congruent! Call +61419 119900 or visit www.multi-coaching.com

www.multi-coaching.com

bathroom cleaning service Wilmette ..
In The News:

ShengShu's Vidar technology revolutionizes humanoid robot training by using AI-generated synthetic video, reducing required training data from hours to just 20 minutes.
Apple's older Mac computers face security risks without regular updates, but 10 essential tips including FileVault encryption and strong passwords can keep aging Macs protected.
Self-driving trucks from PlusAI could reshape freight transportation by 2027, addressing driver shortages and reducing logistics costs for businesses.
Solar farms are turning to sheep instead of mowers to cut grass under solar panels, lowering costs, reducing emissions and creating new income for farmers.
Fraudsters posing as local officials are making fake calls about missed jury duty, demanding payments in a rising scheme that exploits fear of arrest.
Honeywell Aerospace engineers developed a "surface alert system" that gives pilots two aural warnings when they are 15 and 30 seconds away from a collision on the runway.
Anonymous researcher has scraped public Spotify accounts of politicians and celebrities, highlighting major privacy risks in default platform settings.
AI chatbot toys marketed as screen-free playmates could undermine children's empathy and critical thinking skills, according to pediatric specialists.
TransUnion confirms a major data breach affecting 4.4 million U.S. consumers after hackers exploited third-party Salesforce apps to steal personal info.
Scammers use fake DocuSign emails claiming Apple Pay charges to steal personal information using fraudulent phone numbers and fake receipts.
Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.
Farmers Insurance confirms data breach affecting over 1.1 million customers nationwide, exposing customer info including addresses.
The iconic Mary Kay pink Cadillac goes electric with the Cadillac Optiq, available only to the company's top 1% of sales force performers.
Cybercriminals abuse trusted Intel driver to gain kernel access and shut down Windows Defender, enabling undetected malware deployment since July 2025.
Using email aliases for online shopping and subscriptions can protect your privacy by preventing companies from linking your activity across websites.
New research shows AI overlap does not equal job replacement, with knowledge-based roles seeing most integration while physical jobs remain least affected.
Scammers target seniors who avoid social media by exploiting public records like obituaries and real estate filings to steal personal information and money
Recovery team in Italy use AI-enabled drones to detect missing hiker's red helmet, leading to successful recovery after months of ground searches
Google Salesforce system breach exposes business data while scammers use incident to target users with fake security calls and phishing attempts.
Google announces Pixel 10 lineup with Tensor G5 chip and Gemini Nano AI, introducing Magic Cue, Pro Res Zoom up to 100x and satellite emergency support features.
C San Diego study reveals 86% of school safety companies monitor students 24/7 on personal devices, raising privacy concerns.
Users can now add their favorite outlets' coverage to the Top Stories section of Google search results by utilizing the 'preferred sources' feature. With just a few clicks, you can add Fox News.
Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.
Interstellar object 3I/ATLAS shows an unexpected frontal glow that Harvard's Avi Loeb says cannot be explained by sunlight reflection or standard cometary outgassing.
Receiving order confirmations for purchases you never made could mean your email address is being exploited in fraud operations targeting multiple retailers.

Pick Your Fights With Your Teenager Wisely

I know as a single parent or even with 2... Read More

Visiting the Library

Libraries offer more than books. They are places of learning... Read More

Some Tips for Healthy Parenting

Looking back through my files I've come across several great... Read More

Parenting Problem? 5 Simple Things That Will Help

What is a parenting problem?Parenting is a tough job, we... Read More

Finding A Caregiver You Can Trust

Choosing to leave your child with a caregiver is one... Read More

COMMITMENT: Teaching Children the Lessons of a Lifetime

It's been said, time and again, that for a child... Read More

Examining Drugs for ADHD, Particularly Strattera

In memory of 14 year old Matthew Smith; 11 year... Read More

Parenting

This article on parenting is by a practicing relationship counsellor/therapist,... Read More

Really Good News About Your Children?s Video Games

Research published by University of Rochester neuroscientists C. Shawn Green... Read More

Parenting: The Road I Chose

Tripping over the shoes and toys that seem to clutter... Read More

Why Scrapbooking Moms are the Secret Weapon in the War on Terror

There is a front line and a back end to... Read More

Book Review: The Ring Bear Depicts Turmoil of Becoming A Stepchild

In "The Ring Bear," a picture book by Tigard resident... Read More

Every Mom Worries

Sitterphobe "I never have a second to myself," this mother... Read More

10 Steps To Prepare You For Life With Children

It's hard to explain to the uninitiated the changes that... Read More

Illegal and Legal Drug Usage in the United States

How bad is the illegal drug problem here in the... Read More

Whos Teaching Your Child About Money?

Managing money is one of the most critical skills we... Read More

Childrens Discipline: How To Resolve Divorce Parenting Differences?

Did you know that inconsistency on matters of discipline gives... Read More

Parenting - The Irrational Vocation

There are some grounds to assume that a cognitive dissonance... Read More

The Great Baby Name Debate

Winifred or Willow? Thomas or Troy? The name you choose... Read More

I Cant Sleep Without You

When my firstborn arrived into this serene and peaceful household,... Read More

When Kids Hurt Parents

The cruel callous remarks made by our offspring can sometimes... Read More

Playground Pettiness

Recently I took my two children to a popular new... Read More

Would You Hire This Teacher?

Imagine you were the principal of the school that your... Read More

Children?s Birthday Party Planning: When and When Not to Have a Big Party

Age 1: Invite only family members and close friends only... Read More

Where to Look for Affordable Baby Clothes

Once the newness has worn off a little, you will... Read More

whole house cleaning Northbrook ..