Drug testing

How NOT to Motivate Your Children and Students

Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped to bring about a near revolution in the way teachers interact with their young charges.

He later practiced as a psychologist.

The phone rang, he relates in one of his books, early on a Monday following Thanksgiving weekend. The woman on the line was clearly very agitated.

"Try and figure this out, if you can!" she pleaded.

"There we were in the car, the whole family. We drove four hundred miles, from Pittsburgh to New York. In the back of the car, little Ivan behaved like an angel, quiet and deep in thought..

"I said to myself, 'He deserves some praise.'

"Just as we entered the Lincoln Tunnel, I turned to him and said: 'You're such a good boy, Ivan. I'm proud of you.'

"A minute later, the sky fell on us..

"Ivan pulled out an ashtray and spilled its contents all over us. The ashes, the cigarette butts, and the smoke kept coming, like atomic fallout. We were in the tunnel in heavy traffic, and we were choking. If not for the cars around us, I might have murdered him!

"And what burned me up was I had just praised him. Isn't praise good for kids anymore?"

Ivan himself solved the mystery a few weeks later, in Ginott's office.

All the way home he had been wondering how to get rid of his younger brother, who was snuggled up between mother and father in front of the car.

Finally, the idea occurred to him that if their car were jackknifed in the middle, he and his parents would be safe, but the baby would be cut in two!

Just then his mother had congratulated him for being so good. The praise made him feel guilty. He felt he had to show that he did not deserve it. he looked around and saw the ashtray. The rest followed automatically.

Praise can be a highly powerful motivator. We know that. Workplace managers and supervisors know it, and adults who have enjoyed some success in the training of children certainly know it. Parents and educators have few weapons in their armory as potent as praise.

Instrument of destruction?

However, its correct use is a skill that needs to be learned, like any other. Any weapon that's not controlled is an instrument of destruction.

I've cited an extreme case here to make the point. But hopefully, make the point it does.

Chaim Ginott was a strong believer in what he called "congruent communication." "Congruent" means "consistent" or "harmonious." What he meant by the phrase is that our communication should be consistent with, or in harmony with, our ultimate objectives.

Well, what's new? Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Unfortunately, for many of us it's not so simple. Not at all.

I read about someone who recalled how she was having difficulties with math when she was in elementary school. Sensing her child's frustration, her mother took her aside and offered some well-intentioned encouragement:

" No one in our family is good in math. I wasn't good at math, your sister isn't good in math. No wonder you're having a hard time. I'm sure you'll be good at something else."

Consoling? Maybe. But if at the age of 30 or 40, the former struggling student still had the mathematical ability of an average 10 year old, would you be very surprised?

Unhelpful or unproductive messages that young people receive from their elders take many different forms.

Uncharacteristically moody

A friend recently told me that his eleven year old was uncharacteristically moody and subdued for a few weeks. It took him a while to figure that something must be bugging the lad at school. At first, the boy insisted that everything was OK, but eventually he blurted it all out.

He explained sadly that his teacher kept upsetting him with comments like:

"Another poor grade in the test this week. You could do much better, if you really wanted to."

"You say you find it difficult to concentrate in class? If you really wanted to, I'm certain you could..."

"Dad," moaned the hapless pupil. "I just don't understand this 'if you wanted to' business. Can it be possible? Does my teacher REALLY think I don't care? Surely he must know how much I'd like to be a better student, if only I could?"

Fortunately, this story had a happy ending. The father had a friendly, heart to heart chat with the teacher, who understood where he might have been making a mistake. Before long, the teacher's feedback had changed to:

"Your grade in this week's test was two percent better. Now that you're going up, perhaps you can manage another two percent hike next week?"

"You've concentrated for a solid twenty minutes this morning. You see yourself you can do it. Now, just try to manage for another ten minutes!"

Happy days!

Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.

In The News:

Scientists recently discovered a rare and important hagfish fossil that includes traces of preserved slime dating to 100 million years ago.
More than 1,000 birds died at a lake in Southern California earlier this month, state wildlife officials announced Tuesday.
Newly declassified documents from the Pentagon reveal the Department of Defense funded projects that investigated UFOs, wormholes, alternate dimensions and a host of other subjects that are often the topics of conspiracy theorists.
CAIRO (AP) — Egypt says archaeologists have uncovered ancient tombs dating back to the Second Intermediate Period, 1782-1570 B.C., in the Nile Delta.
After a decade, the restoration of the tomb of King Tutankhamun in Egypt has finally been restored, a project described as a "must-see" attraction.
Archaeologists have discovered a rare death mask on a beach in Florida, a sign that more treasures may be nearby.
Over the past two weeks, numerous media reports have claimed that a team led by archaeologist Zahi Hawass is on the verge of discovering the tomb of Mark Antony and Cleopatra VII at a site in Egypt called "Taposiris Magna."
Archaeologists in Scotland have revealed that a stone circle thought to be thousands of years old is actually a modern replica.
High levels of cocaine are causing some eels in London's famous River Thames to be "hyperactive," new research by King's College London shows.
The tiny, immortal hydra is a freshwater animal that can regenerate an entirely new animal from just the tiniest sliver of its body.

More than Mom and Dad

Love, love, love. It makes the world go round. It... Read More

Create a Story Book with Your Child

A fun way to build your child's imaginationWriting is still... Read More

Delightful Defrazzlers

I will cherish this moment. I will not let it... Read More

What Are Reasonable Expectations of a Child?

To have reasonable expectations of our children is an important... Read More

Fundraising For Your Preschool Or Daycare Center

Most day cares are non-profit organizations that must operate within... Read More

How NOT to Motivate Your Children and Students

Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped... Read More

Lets Not Hurry Children Through Childhood

Have you ever experienced one of those days when you... Read More

How Much Water are You Wasting?

Are you being smart about water conservation? Do you consider... Read More

Some Good News About Blended Families

They Spur Members To Grow EmotionallyTatiana Tannenbaum grappled with a... Read More

What Parents Should Do For Children To Do Their Best After Divorce?

Why do some children still do best after divorce and... Read More

Five Tips for Successful Grandparenting

1. Boundaries are necessary for control and safety.All children need... Read More

Mutants or Clones?

In a single dose of children's television, I was bombarded... Read More

Im a Father, Doesnt Anyone Care?

The snow was getting heavier with each lift of the... Read More

Kids And Chores - Make It Easy On Yourself!

My neighbours' kid impressed me the other day.I was busy... Read More

Strengths and Weaknesses

All too often, children with learning disabilities are seen through... Read More

Ten Terrific Ideas for Rainy Day Fun

It's been raining for a week and the kids and... Read More

The ABCs of Raising Twins

As a mother of two sets of fraternal boy/girl twins,... Read More

How To Teach Children Loyalty and Dependability

Individualism is a common thing in today's modern society. Many... Read More

Using Cloth Nappies

We all know that using cloth nappies is best for... Read More

Child Communication Skill: Do You Really Know What Your Child Is Saying To You?

Here's the scene of communication with your child: your three-year-old... Read More

Life Lessons in a Glass of Beer

It was blisteringly hot last Saturday. As I took that... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Teens and Violence

I have a bit of a different response than most... Read More

The Ten Things That Successful Parents Do

1. They are leaders as well as parents. They don't... Read More

Keeping Your Children Safe

The purpose of this article is to address some of... Read More

Do You Have the Loving Relationship With Your Children That You Desire?

Most people with children want to be good parents. The... Read More

street light price led bulbs Pete's produce ..