When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work, parents feel that they should be encouraging their teen to try hard and do well. The problem is that in trying to achieve this, many parents end up causing stress either for themselves, their teen or both.
So what causes this stress? Basically, it boils down to one key belief; a belief held by many parents and one that is reinforced by most schools.
To do well you must work hard
Consequently parents spend much of their time trying to get their teens to word hard. The sad fact is that there are some students who could work hard for the rest of their life and still achieve only mediocre results. And then there are other students who appear to put in very little effort and still do well.
This belief leads parents to think one of two things, either their teen is working hard enough or they're not. Either way, unhelpful stress can still be a problem.
If your teen is working hard enough
Usually the person who gets over-stressed in this situation is the teen. The parent's role here is to help their teen manage the stress. Beware of 'going over the top' in encouraging your teen; let them know that even if they don't achieve exactly what they want it's not the end of the world.
Remind them that there is usually more than one way to get to where they want to go and that you'll be there to support them on whichever path they take. Of course you can only do that if you believe it yourself.
If you are very fixed in your own beliefs about what's possible and what's not, then you're going to feel the stress as well. The danger here is that your stress will add to that of your teen's. To avoid getting in this situation, explore what other options are available in the eventuality that things do not turn out in the way you want.
If your teen is not working hard enough
In this situation the person feeling the stress is you, the parent. Most parents will try one or more of the following methods.
Many parents will try motivating their teen by telling them how important it is to do well in the exam, how having good results will give them more choice and they will have a better chance of getting a job/going to college. Alternatively, if internal exams are involved, the message is about doing well so they can get into the 'right' groups or sets next year.
This form of motivation is unlikely to work, as it is often too general. Teens have heard all of these messages before so why should they act differently this time?
Use motivation by tying it in to something specific, something concrete that they can understand and feels real. Find something that they are interested in and see if you can link it to what they need to do. Sometimes you can then use the concept of needing to do something you don't want now so that you can achieve this specific thing that you do want later.
Some parents will resort to a form of bribery or reward as a motivator; I will give you a certain amount of money for each exam in which you achieve a specific grade or something similar.
Unfortunately using a reward system in this way is often doomed to failure. The outcome is just too far away in time to be an effective motivator; teens need a more immediate way in which to receive a reward.
Consequently it's much better to reward them for the working hard part, rather than just the outcome. Set up a system that rewards them for the amount of time they spend studying. Ensure you agree on how the system works or your teen will just refuse to take part.
Ensure also that you have a way of checking that they are in fact studying and not just pretending. Let them know that this is part of the agreement and then spend time asking them about what they've studied. You don't need to do this every time, just enough for them to realise that you will check.
Many parents attempt to force their teen to work by using a form of control; you will only go out when you've studied for 3 hours.
Unfortunately this process rarely achieves anything positive, as the old saying goes 'you can force a horse to water but you can't make it drink'. Similarly you can force your teen to sit with their books but you can't force them to take in the knowledge.
The main result of this process is a deteriation in the parent teen relationship and negative feelings in all concerned.
A form of control can be used successfully, one whereby you and your teen form an agreement about how they are going to study. This can be set up similar to the reward system above, but in this case you would also set up consequences if your teen fails to keep to the agreement.
Great care needs taking in using any of these methods. Understanding what's really stopping your teen from working is key to the success or failure or your attempts.
If at the heart of the problem your teen rejects the whole academic system then there is little that you can do to get your teen studying. And that means using a whole new approach entirely.
Carol Shepley has been involved with teenagers for over 10 years and, as the parent of a teen herself, fully understands the pressures placed on parents and teens today. She now shares this knowledge and experience through her website http://www.growingupmatters.com so that parents can help their teens become resilient, resourceful and responsible adults.
Oswego taxi to Midway ..Be sure to respect the intellectual changes that mark adolescence.... Read More
I was in the life insurance sales industry for over... Read More
As parents, we want our children and teens to grow... Read More
What is the mystery of motherhood? I know that when... Read More
Ever feel like you're out of the loop when it... Read More
One of the few decisions you'll make during pregnancy that... Read More
Whenever parents discuss how to deal with bed wetting, the... Read More
For every season, check, check, check, There is a chart,... Read More
Are men to blame for the divorce problem in this... Read More
Q. I need your help with a question about my... Read More
How excited do kids get with the start of school... Read More
Unfortunately each year many young children drown in swimming pools,... Read More
Here we will come to know who are the most... Read More
With the beginning of the new school year coming VERY... Read More
More and more kids these days are diagnosed ADD, ADHD,... Read More
What parents of a teen haven't wondered where their sweet... Read More
At the ADHD Information Library we are big believers that... Read More
10 Fun Things You Can Do With Your Children this... Read More
Not many things are more upsetting than discovering that your... Read More
I had my first two children on either side of... Read More
The techniques of managing relationships between parents and their children... Read More
I still remember the scene vividly. I was getting out... Read More
"What age should my child start school?"This is a common... Read More
Choosing a baby name is an important job, so make... Read More
The ADD child exhibits a series of behaviors that are... Read More
shuttle from Midway Morris ..The small, lilac colored hexagonal box, with Winnie the Pooh... Read More
One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture... Read More
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience... Read More
I've often thought that in 6 million years, archaeologists will... Read More
Do you know what these famous people have in common?Alexander... Read More
What a dreamer I am when thinking about parenthood. Most... Read More
Have you made your usual New Year resolutions? You know... Read More
If your parenting methods include abuse of any kind; physical,... Read More
A certain educator was once asked at what point should... Read More
Valentine day has always been a special day in my... Read More
Many parents seem to be more than a little confused... Read More
Did you know that the number of twin births have... Read More
Meningitis is an inflammation of the membranes around the brain... Read More
Younger generations unfortunately will not understand how larger than life... Read More
Ask any teacher or adolescent counselor what the most disturbing... Read More
We were sitting in the family room. My kids had... Read More
The subject of competition is one that provokes some pretty... Read More
John was a 43 year-old sales manager at a large... Read More
The debate in many towns continues throughout this country about... Read More
There is little doubt that reading, 'riting and 'rithmetic are... Read More
You have a chore to do around the house, and... Read More
Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon... Read More
My cousin boasts five names and I confess that when... Read More
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is the phrase that is... Read More
We all know that using cloth nappies is best for... Read More
Parenting |