The judge had to ask the question, and we had to answer it in order to get our divorce finalized. It was all supposed to be pro-forma. "Why are you getting divorced?" the judge asked, his head buried in legal file folders.
"Irreconcilable differences," my wife, Sue, and I answered in unison as our attorneys recommended.
To our surprise, he followed up with a second question. "Differences about what?"
"Investment strategies," I blurted out. My attorney stomped me on my foot to shut me up. The judge was intrigued even though 20 other couples, with their attorneys, were waiting behind us.
Sue jumped in. "He believes in using only index funds in our portfolio. What a mistake! We need to actively manage our investments. Since the tech-stock bubble burst we've been losing money. And I dated a guy before this bozo [that was me] who is now a top mutual-fund manager on Wall Street. His fund has increased 13.2 percent a year even during the bear market. We should have given him our money."
The judge was definitely impressed. "I wish I could get my wife to be as interested as you are in our investments," he said. "Seems like you have a real winner here Hesh, so why are you breaking up?"
Just what I needed, the judge siding with Sue. I quickly counter-attacked. "Your honor, I believe in index funds," I said. "Why waste all that money having someone help you beat the market when the numbers say that over time no one really beats the market."
The judge really seemed interested. He wondered out loud, "You guys seem like a sophisticated couple, didn't you discuss this before you got married?"
I immediately answered. I didn't want Sue saying anything else that would make me look like a fool. "Your honor, when the topic of money came up, we agreed that mutual funds made the most sense and that we would max out our 401(k) s.
Honestly, we were just out of grad school, and we really didn't have much money. The topic just never came up again."
The couples behind us had given up hope of leaving soon; they sat down dejected as their attorneys pulled out their cell phones and began sending text messages to their secretaries telling them to cancel their morning appointments.
The judge called for a recess and invited us back to his chambers. Our attorneys were ordered not to accompany us.
"Listen," he said, "I have a solution. We are going back into court. Just follow my lead." Could we say no? I didn't think so. He pushed us out the door into the court room.
The judge followed us a few minutes later. He began solemnly, "After reviewing the facts and consulting both parties I have negotiated a settlement that they have agreed to." We had? My attorney gave me this look. You know the one that says: you got yourself into this mess, not me.
"As a judge in divorce court, I have heard flimsy excuses for couples to split. And personally I am against the no-fault divorce law in our Commonwealth. However, for the first time I have come across true irreconcilable differences in my court room.
"Adultery can be forgiven, just ask Hillary Clinton, but a spouse that hides his or her investment preferences prior to their marriage cannot. Fortunately, in the case before me, neither side knowingly covered up his/her investment orientation. Therefore, with the powers invested in me, I hereby grant their divorce.
"I am, however, outraged by the attorneys who profited from these clients and raised hopes that their differences might be overcome. I hereby order that all attorneys fees be returned and be placed into a trust fund for the children. I am also issuing a bench warrant for the arrest of the marriage counselor who bilked these two fine people of thousands of dollars in counseling fees in an ill-conceived plot to keep them together.
"Only one question remains, how to invest these funds to ensure an appropriate nest egg for the children. Before I rule, excuse me for a personal digression. Many years ago, while I was in law school at Columbia, I was fortunate to room with Warren Buffett. He was studying for his MBA. (Harvard had been dumb enough to have rejected his application.) I just gave him a call and told him of the case I was ruling on. In his typical homespun manner he said that he could not tell me how to rule on the legal issues. However, he strongly recommended that the trust fund for the children be invested in index funds.
"Now who am I, to disagree with The Sage of Omaha? I hereby rule that the children's trust be invested only in index funds."
Hesh Reinfeld writes a syndicated business humor column. You can read additional examples of his columns on his website: http://www.heshreinfeld.com Or contact him at http://www.heshreinfeld.com
Lincoln Stretch rentals Alsip ..Before buying personal or business checks you should inform yourself... Read More
Six Scholarship judges were sitting around an oval table. Forms... Read More
Each of us knows how to spend money, but do... Read More
The gas that we fill our tanks with every week... Read More
Between 15 - 20% of people in our country (UK)... Read More
Your food budget is the most flexible area of your... Read More
Despite how easy it is to balance a checkbook, very... Read More
Identity theft is a serious crime that continues to grow.... Read More
Millions of people have a checking account and many people... Read More
If You Have an Existing Account and 5 Minutes, You... Read More
Here are ten steps you can follow to help improve... Read More
Has anyone been to the gas pumps lately? Soon $3... Read More
If you recently became a single parent and see your... Read More
1) HOW TO LOOK FOR A JOBA) The Chronological Curriculum:1.... Read More
In this age of information, keeping track of your finances... Read More
I've been going through and interesting growth period lately that... Read More
Recent security breaches at several credit card companies continue to... Read More
For months, we were trigger-swipe happy, putting our groceries, clothes,... Read More
As a parent you are bound to face a few... Read More
The British government at the beginning of this year officially... Read More
Does it feel like you have to be Sherlock Holmes... Read More
The lists of bank and savings accounts that are available... Read More
ID theft is a major consumer concern, though there is... Read More
It is estimated that we, as consumers, waste an average... Read More
If you've been thinking about filing for bankruptcy, your best... Read More
Western Springs shuttle limo ..Address labels are many things to many different people. If... Read More
We all know that money doesn't grow on trees, but... Read More
If you were to ask 100 women "What would you... Read More
Ben Stein has a book called How to Ruin Your... Read More
When people speak about the increasing age expectancies, they generally... Read More
If you have a 401(k) account, it can be very... Read More
My personal opinion is that in today's new economy, it... Read More
With almost two thirds of university entrants from England and... Read More
Super-mumsIt seems that the proof of maternal efforts is no... Read More
Have you ever stopped to think about how your "mood"... Read More
Well, dang! From what I've heard and read, it looks... Read More
Most Americans have been brought up to be concerned about... Read More
One of the biggest challenges facing black RELATIONSHIPS today are... Read More
The lists of bank and savings accounts that are available... Read More
It is estimated that we, as consumers, waste an average... Read More
Holy Shenanigans! More STUFF?Loosing one's business due to lack of... Read More
The British government at the beginning of this year officially... Read More
Here are some tips that can help you save money... Read More
Are your financial muscles well toned and healthy or flabby... Read More
With prices increasing all the time, saving money can be... Read More
Each of us knows how to spend money, but do... Read More
Are you having problems with debt? Are you afraid to... Read More
Saving for a Down Payment is hard work, so it's... Read More
Are you a check fanatic? Don't worry, you aren't alone.... Read More
Your food budget is the most flexible area of your... Read More
Personal Finance |