Home
>
Personal Finance
>
Portfolio Planning can Lead to Irreconcilable Differences

Portfolio Planning can Lead to Irreconcilable Differences

The judge had to ask the question, and we had to answer it in order to get our divorce finalized. It was all supposed to be pro-forma. "Why are you getting divorced?" the judge asked, his head buried in legal file folders.

"Irreconcilable differences," my wife, Sue, and I answered in unison as our attorneys recommended.

To our surprise, he followed up with a second question. "Differences about what?"

"Investment strategies," I blurted out. My attorney stomped me on my foot to shut me up. The judge was intrigued even though 20 other couples, with their attorneys, were waiting behind us.

Sue jumped in. "He believes in using only index funds in our portfolio. What a mistake! We need to actively manage our investments. Since the tech-stock bubble burst we've been losing money. And I dated a guy before this bozo [that was me] who is now a top mutual-fund manager on Wall Street. His fund has increased 13.2 percent a year even during the bear market. We should have given him our money."

The judge was definitely impressed. "I wish I could get my wife to be as interested as you are in our investments," he said. "Seems like you have a real winner here Hesh, so why are you breaking up?"

Just what I needed, the judge siding with Sue. I quickly counter-attacked. "Your honor, I believe in index funds," I said. "Why waste all that money having someone help you beat the market when the numbers say that over time no one really beats the market."

The judge really seemed interested. He wondered out loud, "You guys seem like a sophisticated couple, didn't you discuss this before you got married?"

I immediately answered. I didn't want Sue saying anything else that would make me look like a fool. "Your honor, when the topic of money came up, we agreed that mutual funds made the most sense and that we would max out our 401(k) s.

Honestly, we were just out of grad school, and we really didn't have much money. The topic just never came up again."

The couples behind us had given up hope of leaving soon; they sat down dejected as their attorneys pulled out their cell phones and began sending text messages to their secretaries telling them to cancel their morning appointments.

The judge called for a recess and invited us back to his chambers. Our attorneys were ordered not to accompany us.

"Listen," he said, "I have a solution. We are going back into court. Just follow my lead." Could we say no? I didn't think so. He pushed us out the door into the court room.

The judge followed us a few minutes later. He began solemnly, "After reviewing the facts and consulting both parties I have negotiated a settlement that they have agreed to." We had? My attorney gave me this look. You know the one that says: you got yourself into this mess, not me.

"As a judge in divorce court, I have heard flimsy excuses for couples to split. And personally I am against the no-fault divorce law in our Commonwealth. However, for the first time I have come across true irreconcilable differences in my court room.

"Adultery can be forgiven, just ask Hillary Clinton, but a spouse that hides his or her investment preferences prior to their marriage cannot. Fortunately, in the case before me, neither side knowingly covered up his/her investment orientation. Therefore, with the powers invested in me, I hereby grant their divorce.

"I am, however, outraged by the attorneys who profited from these clients and raised hopes that their differences might be overcome. I hereby order that all attorneys fees be returned and be placed into a trust fund for the children. I am also issuing a bench warrant for the arrest of the marriage counselor who bilked these two fine people of thousands of dollars in counseling fees in an ill-conceived plot to keep them together.

"Only one question remains, how to invest these funds to ensure an appropriate nest egg for the children. Before I rule, excuse me for a personal digression. Many years ago, while I was in law school at Columbia, I was fortunate to room with Warren Buffett. He was studying for his MBA. (Harvard had been dumb enough to have rejected his application.) I just gave him a call and told him of the case I was ruling on. In his typical homespun manner he said that he could not tell me how to rule on the legal issues. However, he strongly recommended that the trust fund for the children be invested in index funds.

"Now who am I, to disagree with The Sage of Omaha? I hereby rule that the children's trust be invested only in index funds."

Hesh Reinfeld writes a syndicated business humor column. You can read additional examples of his columns on his website: http://www.heshreinfeld.com Or contact him at http://www.heshreinfeld.com

maide service in Park Ridge ..

In The News:

Scammers create fake Evite invitations that mimic legitimate event emails, requiring users to verify senders and use antivirus software for protection.

The new Apple Watch hypertension feature passively monitors blood pressure patterns over 30 days using sensors to detect chronic high blood pressure signs.

Chrome extension spyware disguised as a free VPN service highlights security risks after it captured private browsing data from trusted sites.

New research shows how fatty acids in cooking oil can safely dissolve and recover silver from circuit boards without harmful chemicals or environmental damage.

The Fox News AI newsletter gives you information on the latest AI technology advancements, and about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Anthropic investigates alarming AI abuse case where hacker automated entire cybercrime campaign using Claude, stealing sensitive data from defense and healthcare firms.

TikTok, Meta and YouTube restrict Charlie Kirk shooting videos with age gates and warnings while X faces criticism for allowing continued circulation.

Cybercriminals use fake troubleshooting websites to trick Mac users into running terminal commands that install Shamos malware through ClickFix tactics.

San Francisco startup Fable launches Showrunner, an AI platform dubbed the 'Netflix of AI' that generates animated episodes from text descriptions with Amazon support.

Apple raised iPhone prices for some models despite receiving tariff relief from President Donald Trump, with the new lineup starting at $799 for the base model.

A two-story 3D concrete printed home in Western Australia demonstrates faster construction methods that could reshape American housing amid rising costs.

Credit scores remain important during retirement for insurance rates and housing applications, while seniors become prime targets for identity theft and financial scams.

Scammers now send unexpected packages with QR codes that redirect victims to fraudulent websites or download malicious software to steal sensitive information.

Meeting AI tools record private conversations alongside work discussions, creating privacy risks that can be managed with proper settings and awareness.

Hotel privacy concerns are valid but rare, with methods to detect hidden tech using smartphone flashlights, mirror tests and scanning apps.

Improve your Wi-Fi speed and reliability with 10 simple router optimization tips that don't require special apps or expensive subscriptions.

A Columbia University breach exposed names, Social Security numbers and academic records of nearly 869,000 people, with notifications beginning in August.

Rental car drivers use AI-powered apps like Proofr to protect themselves from unfair damage fees as major companies deploy automated inspection tools.

Fox News' AI newsletter brings you the latest on technology advancements around artificial intelligence.

OnTrac data breach between April 13-15, 2025, exposed personal information of over 40,000 people including Social Security numbers and medical records.

A woman named Wika announces her engagement to an AI chatbot sparking worldwide debate about virtual relationships and technology.

The notorious people search site National Public Data relaunches despite a previous breach affecting 3 billion individuals, raising fresh privacy concerns.

Revolutionary TRAUMAGEL gel controls life-threatening bleeding from gunshot wounds and traumatic injuries, helping first responders prevent prehospital deaths.

Protect your home network by enabling proper encryption, creating strong passwords, checking connected devices and using VPN and antivirus software.

The Navy's solar-powered Skydweller drone flew nonstop for 73 hours in Mississippi, proving renewable energy can power long-endurance military missions.

Portfolio Planning can Lead to Irreconcilable Differences

Personal Finance