Unilateral Disarmament - The First Step to Improving Communications with Your Teenagers

Many times, we are so conditioned in how we speak that we do not realize whether or not we are effectively communicating with our teens. This is especially true when they upset us.

To ensure that you are fostering an environment that will encourage your teenager to talk to you, as opposed to fearing you, the first step is to evaluate your communication style. How you express yourself and what you say to your teens, especially when you are angry, can inhibit your relationship with them. Reacting by shouting short sarcastic phrases will usually turn off most people, including our teenagers.

The following are twelve examples of statements and questions that you should avoid saying:

1. When I was your age

2. What part of the word "NO" don't you understand

3. Because I said so

4. Who pays the mortgage around here?

5. You're NOT going out dressed like that

6. What do you see in him, you can do better

7. You kids have it so easy today

8. I didn't say that

9. You live under my roof, you live by my rules

10. Are you PMSing?

11. When are you going to grow up?

12. This conversation is over

Activity:

Think through the things that you say that are similar to the above, and create a list. Then, meet with your teen and ask her for her input. Explain that you are doing this because you love her and want her to trust you and to not fear coming to you to discuss things that are important to her. Go over the list and then ask your teen to add any statements that you may have missed. For example, you can say, "Tell me the things that I say to you that you feel are hurtful; or prevent you from wanting to talk to me about important issues." Add them to the list and make a mental note of them. Then, ask your teen to tell you when you react to her behavior and use any of those phrases. Stress that improved communications is a "two way street" and you are going to do your part to make things better. Then add that you also expect her to do her part, as it will take both your efforts to improve communications.

What to do

Remember to have a "thick skin" and thank her for her feedback when she provides it ? even if you are angry. The best way to change this reactionary behavior is to try and think before you react, and talk more constructively to your teenager. Think of how you would have to react at work if a subordinate or coworker did something to upset you. As angry as you might be, you would strive to act professional because your job depended on it. If you do react and your daughter brings it to your attention, thank her and then discuss the issue more constructively because your relationship depends on it.

You also need to set guidelines with your teen, instead of making rigid rules that will alienate her and create a vicious cycle of poor communicating and hard feelings.

Unilateral disarmament is the first step in demonstrating to your teen that you are serious about improving communications with her. When you lead by example, you are establishing the foundation and setting your expectations. This works better that a "do as I say, not as I do!" reactionary approach which causes your teen to be more rebellious.

Copyright 2004 by V. Michael Santoro and Jennifer S. Santoro, All Rights Reserved.

This article is an excerpt from the book "Realizing the Power of Love," How a father and teenage daughter became best friends...and you can too, coauthored by V. Michael Santoro and his teenage daughter Jennifer S. Santoro. For more information visit their Web site: http://www.dads-daughters.com/

Oswego taxi to Midway ..
In The News:

Electric Sheep Robotics has introduced an all-electric autonomous robot named Verdie to perform edging, trimming and debris-blowing. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson has the details.
Hackers and scammers keep looking for ways to break into your Facebook account. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson has some tips to make sure your account is secure.
Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson shows you how to create group texts to reach multiple people at once — and also how to leave them if you get annoyed at the volume of interruptions.
Tax fraud is on the rise, and hackers are now using identity hijacking and artificial intelligence for tax returns in someone else's name to get a refund.
Toyota's Punyo soft robot mimics human behavior, using its chest, hips and arms — in addition to its hands — like a human to handle objects,
Hackers used third-party information to break into Roku accounts, according to the streaming company. Roku says it has secured affected accounts.
Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.
Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson explains the simple steps for setting a Wi-Fi hot spot on an Android. If you have internet on your phone, it's easy.
Dubai recently hosted the first jet suit race with a backdrop of skyscrapers, and one observer says it was straight out of a comic book.
Kim Komando introduces ways to keep you and your devices safe while traveling. The clever hacks mentioned can protect you from hackers and jackers.
TikTok CEO Shou Chew published a video Wednesday urging users to "protect your constitutional rights" against a bipartisan bill that would force China to divest from the app.
Tech guru Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson says you can never be too careful with tech passwords. He explains how to keep your information safe.
The Lighthouse in New Zealand rotates 360 degrees, constantly giving those inside different views around the clock. Built in the 1990s, it's up for sale.
High school students in Colorado are learning how to design their own AI model projects, including cameras for self-driving cars and apps that can teach other languages.
Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.
Vehicles collect sensitive personal information, which is used to set auto insurance rates. That's partly why auto insurance premiums are rising.
Honda's Uni-One is a hands-free electric mobility device that can reach speeds of 3.7 mph and support a user weighing up to 242 pounds.
Kim Komando puts three AI chatbots head-to-head to decide which is the best assistant for modern problems. Compare Google Gemini, ChatGPT, and Perplexity.
To safeguard personal information on iPhones, users can employ built-in security measures and iCloud Keychain for enhanced privacy. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson shows you how.
Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson introduces you to the City Transformer’s CT-2 electric car, which can seamlessly transition from 8 feet wide on the road to a compact 3 feet for parking.
Hackers are always looking for new ways to trick targets into downloading malware. Now, they're after cryptocurrency folks via Calendly. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson has the details.
Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reveals how the Microlino Lite, a compact and eco-friendly vehicle, tackles city traffic congestion with its chic design and small dimensions.
A new funeral scam targets surviving family members of those who recently died. Scammers reach out to the survivors and pose as funeral home officials.
Merlin Labs' autonomous pilot could soon hit the commercial airways and may help alleviate a looming pilot shortage, according to CEO Matt George.
There's a simple way to check your subscriptions on an Android and cancel them. Tech guru Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson explains how it is done.

Tips for Parents of Teenagers: Dont Just Survive - Thrive!

What makes parenting so challenging at times? One widespread research... Read More

Top Seven Tips for Back-to-School Success

Parents play a critical role in their child's success. These... Read More

Parents - Create An Emotionally Healthy Connection With Your Child

"I could have helped you if I would have known,... Read More

How to Help Your Child be Successful in Kindergarten

Your child's first year of school should be a fun... Read More

Ten Tips to Stimulate Your Newborns Senses

A number of scientific studies have shown the way a... Read More

Signs of Child Sexual Abuse

Many families do not want to believe their child is... Read More

When Your Childs Adoption Story Changes: Nothing But the Facts or is It Nothing are the Facts?

Elana, born in Russia, was told "We really don't know... Read More

Nail Biting Basics

Nail biting in all its various forms is problematic... Read More

Quality Time?

There's a phrase that's become popular over the past few... Read More

How Is Peaceful Parenting? Different?

Peaceful Parenting? ideas are very different from other kinds of... Read More

Diet Sodas And How They Can Affect Kids

Many of us have grown up drinking caffeinated diet sodas... Read More

Child Separation Anxiety: Does Your Child Have It?

If you are a parent, then more than likely you... Read More

Remember The Generation Gap?

The techniques of managing relationships between parents and their children... Read More

Why Do People Have Kids?

Despite the theory that people have kids because they want... Read More

ZERO Tolerance: How Firm the Line?

A friend phoned her neighbor, complaining about the wafts of... Read More

Parenting Failure? It May Not Be All It Seems!

I'll never forget my first lesson in a glider.I'd been... Read More

Positive Parenting - Oops! I Really Lost My Temper With My Kids, What Now?

Ever blown your top to your children, only to regret... Read More

5 Ways To Help Your Kids Do Math

Uh oh.Your kids arrive home with their school reports and... Read More

Working Moms: Too Busy for Your Children?

17 Quick Ways to Strengthen the Bonds of LoveOn Mother's... Read More

Twin and Multiple Births are on the Rise

Did you know that the number of twin births have... Read More

If your child is being bullied - 20 top tips for parents

Keith is now in the fourth grade and he dislikes... Read More

To Test or Not To Test - That Is the Question

Little Suzy has really been having a hard time getting... Read More

Strong-willed Kids: Raising a Spirited Child

Sometimes a change of perspective can make a huge difference... Read More

Motivation - The Key to Your Childs Educational Success

For the first year or two of life outside the... Read More

Sibling Fighting - Reduce Sibling Rivalry by NOT Keeping Score

Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon... Read More

shuttle from Midway Morris ..