(The following is an actual email conversation between Newton Hightower, Director of The Center for Anger Resolution, Inc., and "Betty" the girlfriend of a rageaholic.)
Betty: I am a 35-year-old single woman who has been dating a man for three years who verbally and emotionally abuses me. I am called ALL kinds of names..."you're a F-ing B, you're stupid, F-ing crazy psycho, F-ing whore, F- you..." things of that nature. He is in counseling and has been for about three months. My question is can he truly change?
Newton: The answer is yes, absolutely! BUT, the prognosis doesn't look good.
Let me disqualify myself here. First of all, I do not work with women in your position because it is like me trying to work with someone from a different planet...I just don't get it at all. I used to be how your boyfriend is.
I would refer you to a female therapist who could teach you to put the PRESSURE ON YOUR MAN.
Then I would work with your boyfriend when he comes crying and begging, 'Please, help me! I am about to lose the love of my life. She won't talk to me. How can I get her back? She says I have to see you 3 times before she will talk to me.'
Putting the PRESSURE ON is pre-therapy.
When you do the pre-therapy, then I will do the therapy on him.
*DO YOU RECOMMEND LEAVING HIM?*
Generally, I would recommend you stay and learn how to stand up to him.
Staying with a jerk like that for three years means you probably cannot get out even if you wanted to.
Recommending that women leave usually doesn't work. I have seen couples where the man has shot several times at the wife and missed, and vice versa. In neither case did they leave each other; they just left the therapy when I hit the ceiling.
*PRE-THERAPY INTERVENTION: 911*
Last week I suggested to a couple the pre-therapy change number (911). The girlfriend arrived a little early and reported things had gotten violent again. I suggested that she report the incident and call the police every time it happens.
She said, "I won't tell him what you said." I replied, "Don't worry. I will tell him when he gets here."
My colleagues often question the wisdom of this intervention of advising wives or girlfriends to have their men arrested, when they are together in my office.
Most men are trying to save the marriage or relationship when they come to see me. I tell their girlfriends, "Most of us men would rather go to jail than get divorced again...at least I would."
I also do not challenge the men, but compliment them: "I know you are 30 years younger than me and could kill me with a single blow, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way."
"I can see that you are really committed to this relationship that you come here every week and pay a lot of money for me to recommend that she have you arrested."
*FROM BETTY TO HER BOYFRIEND: A ST. PATRICK'S DAY GIFT!*
Okay Betty, you said it took him two weeks to give a half- hearted apology. Send him a St. Patrick's Day Card that tells him it is his lucky day. You are going to give him a chance to make up for being a total jerk for three years.
1. First you will need a spoken apology that will bring tears to your eyes. You know, heart-felt with specific examples.
2. Then you can use a line my wife used to use: "That's nice. Now what are you going to do to make it up to me? No, I don't mean promises, but diamonds, vacations, things like that."
AFTER YOU HAVE GOTTEN ONE AND TWO WRITE ME...BUT DON'T SEE HIM UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THE DIAMONDS IN YOUR HAND OR ON YOUR FINGER.
3. Then you need to find out what he is going to do if he does this again.
4. Betty, if you need a telephone coach, there are lots of therapists out there who receive my newsletter, and will read this conversation. Maybe one of them could spare you two or three thirty-minute telephone calls. If you paid for the phone calls, they might donate their time.
About The Author
Newton Hightower is the Director of The Center for Anger Resolution, Inc. in Houston, Texas, and author of the new book "Anger Busting 101: New ABCs for Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them." Visit Newton's website for more anger- busting ideas and a free email newsletter filled with guest articles and tips for husbands, wives, and therapists. http://www.angerbusters.com
Publishing Guidelines: Feel free to publish the following article in its entirety in your ezine, website, or print newsletter. The resource box must be included with an active link. Please send a copy of the publication in which the article appears to: newton@angerbusters.com Word wrap to 60, (724 words)
Culver prom limo ..It would be pretty hard to become successful without first... Read More
If you suffer with or have in the past suffered... Read More
Conflict is unavoidable. How we respond to it makes a... Read More
Every day something changes at work: your products, your customers,... Read More
Many of you may look at my title and wonder... Read More
Aging is a matter of the mind.The years may creep... Read More
Our thoughts really belong to the collective consciousness of the... Read More
"We can change our circumstances by a mere change of... Read More
Look for the positives!Seek them out - those little scary... Read More
Cheri decided that she wanted to grow an apple tree... Read More
Most of us love to think that our problems are... Read More
Are you the kind of person who dwells on your... Read More
Know your limits. Accept what you can't change and let... Read More
Your mindset is a strong factor in achieving any type... Read More
What does it take to succeed? How can you move... Read More
Yea, I know........I hear you saying "that's easy for you... Read More
Ever had the sense that there is more to life... Read More
What is an affirmation? One possible definition is a specific... Read More
Lately, I've been hearing that it's not okay to have... Read More
One thing that is important to realize about thought: one... Read More
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.... Read More
If we are the products of our attitudes then it... Read More
A rager, or rageaholic, is a person who is addicted... Read More
You know, very often, the manner in which a person... Read More
For the twelve hundred hostages, most especially Timur Kasumova.It's a... Read More
Wood Dale limo ..Many of us allow our fear to stop us in... Read More
A more positive future, a happier life, a body that's... Read More
"The knowledge of actions or events before they occur; foresight."You... Read More
Look at this glass on the table in front of... Read More
Are you aware of your inner dialogue? If not, you... Read More
I don't want to say people are basically negative but?..if... Read More
Did you ever run into that person that just nags... Read More
Keep focusing on the fullness of your life: Keep remembering... Read More
Recently a great idea popped into my head about creating... Read More
The late Norman Vincent Peale was a controversial preacher who... Read More
IntroductionWe can find all type of people in this world... Read More
I get emails and questions from people all the time... Read More
Would you like to be confident in the things you... Read More
Most of us love to think that our problems are... Read More
I am often astounded at what and why people believe... Read More
? If it takes me to periphery (Drifted into continuous... Read More
Never used 'em. Not likely to start now.OK, so I... Read More
One of our most active senses is sight. What we... Read More
As if choreographed and rehearsed the night before, one lays... Read More
It really doesn't matter what your objectives are in this... Read More
Know your limits. Accept what you can't change and let... Read More
The one thing that is absolutely vital to overcoming shyness... Read More
What are you holding onto? Wanta quit?There are many things... Read More
Every day something changes at work: your products, your customers,... Read More
THOUGHTS are powerful. The power of THOUGHTS cannot be underestimated.... Read More
Positive Attitude Tips |