Dump Those Negative Tapes

Every time something doesn't go quite right (rather frequently for some of us), we start berating ourselves. We can be the soul of courtesy and forgiveness to those we care about and then turn and savage ourselves in the most brutal fashion. How many times have you told yourself: "I'm an absolute idiot!" What was I thinking?" And that is just the start.

From those immediate negative self-assessments, we dive deeper, reinforced by old admonitions playing in our brain. We may be adults, our parents and teachers perhaps long deceased, but their deprecating, wounding, critical, even, at times, cruel or abusive, remarks play over and over as if we were still children, being scolded for "our own good."

With the help of those judgmental tapes playing repetitively in the back of our minds, we easily move from annoyance at a simple mistake anyone could have made to a global view of our own ineptitude: "I always blow it . . . I can't do anything right . . . Why am I such a failure?"

Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive those we love? Is it because we don't love ourselves as much? Is it because we expect more of ourselves? Or is it that we know ourselves too well, painfully aware of our dark secret places and our internal shortcomings? We are hard on ourselves because we have a deep, subconscious, lifelong belief that we don't quite measure up.

The maggot gnawing away at our core is made up of a long string of events starting when we first became aware of the world and began to hear the word "No!" It continued through a childhood of making mistake after mistake, as we all do when learning new skills, and through adulthood as we are judged by our bosses, our spouses, our customers, with the heaviest emotional jolt of being laid off, the ultimate rejection of our self-worth.

Psychologists have studied authority-child interactions in both the home and in school. Remarkably, feedback to the child, in both environments, is more than 70% negative with the remainder either neutral or positive. Is it any wonder that we grow up to view ourselves as not quite good enough, mess-ups, or even total failures?

We have internalized all of that destructive feedback and face the world with pride and self-composure that we know is only a defensive fa?ade, constantly in peril of crumbling away.

How can we jettison this baggage of years?

One strategy is to become aware of your own internal chatter. When something happens and you screw up, it is an independent event: you made a mistake as humans do. Try to separate that one event from anything that has happened in the past. One error can be quickly dealt with and resolved. Watch as your mind starts to link that event with every other mistake you have ever made, attempting to form a lifelong pattern of questionable judgments and poor decisions.

Analyze what you are telling yourself and watch for the give-away absolutes: "I always . . . I never . . ." Absolutes are irrational and illogical; they reflect our thinking not reality. Being aware of them bubbling in your mind gives you the opportunity to negate them: if you have ever, just once, been successful at something, no matter how small, then you cannot be, by definition, a "total" failure. Just one contrary event completely wipes out an "always" or a "never."

Increase your consciousness of your mental processes by writing down your actions and your thoughts. Cognitive therapy uses similar (more structured) techniques to explore your mental processing so that you can understand what your own mind is doing in shaping your vision of the world and yourself.

The realization that it is your mind, right now, which is defining your mood and your emotional distress, creates a wonderful opportunity. If your psychological discomfort arises out of your thinking, not out of some long-standing immutable neurosis nor warped brain cells, then you know you have the power to change!

This new perspective on the world is freeing and empowering. The old recurrent critical tapes can be pushed into the dead file where they belong. Your present, your future, your sense of self is yours to control because your thoughts can be consciously directed.

It took years to get you to where you are now. Vow to spend the rest of your life nurturing those sprouting positive thoughts until they blossom and fill your entire brain. The old tapes will have no place left to lurk.

Virginia Bola operated a rehabilitation company for 20 years, developing innovative job search techniques for disabled workers, while serving as a Vocational Expert in Administrative, Civil and Workers' Compensation Courts. Author of an interactive and supportive workbook, The Wolf at the Door: An Unemployment Survival Manual, and a monthly ezine, The Worker's Edge, she can be reached at http://www.unemploymentblues.com

best cleaning company Highland Park ..

In The News:

Smart home hacking fears overblown? Expert reveals real cybersecurity risks and simple protection tips to keep your connected devices safe from hackers.

MIT develops needle-free glucose monitor using light technology. Revolutionary device could replace painful finger pricks for diabetes management.

The ClickFix campaign disguises malware as legitimate Windows updates, using steganography to hide shellcode in PNG files and bypass security detection systems.

Researchers from Osaka Metropolitan University designed a 21-foot dome that combines aquaculture and hydroponics to create a self-sustaining urban food system.

The Fox News AI Newsletter gives readers the latest AI technology advancements, covering the challenges and opportunities AI presents.

ChatGPT data breach exposes personal info of users through partner Mixpanel. OpenAI confirms names, emails compromised in security incident.

Android rolls out Emergency Live Video for 911 calls, letting dispatchers see real-time scenes during emergencies. Great for holiday travel safety.

Malicious Chrome and Edge extensions collected browsing history, keystrokes and personal data from millions of users before Google and Microsoft removed them.

Google's new Call Reason feature lets Android users mark calls as urgent before dialing, displaying an urgent label to recipients using Phone by Google app.

Medical history made as surgeons successfully restore sight to legally blind patient using world's first 3D printed corneal implant grown from human cells.

Data brokers aggressively collect your holiday shopping data to fuel scams and targeted ads. Learn how to delete your digital profile before 2025 starts.

Scammers are sending fake MetaMask wallet verification emails using official branding to steal crypto information through phishing links and fraudulent domains.

Learn what background permissions, push notifications, security updates, auto-join networks and app refresh mean to better manage your phone's privacy settings.

Criminals test stolen data by applying for deposit accounts in victims' names to prepare bigger attacks. Learn why banks won't share fraud details.

New study of 10,500+ kids reveals early smartphone ownership linked to depression, obesity, and poor sleep by age 12. Earlier phones mean higher risks.

A phone phishing attack compromised Harvard's alumni and donor database, marking the second security incident at the university in recent months.

AutoFlight's zero-carbon floating vertiport uses solar power to charge eVTOL aircraft while supporting emergency response, tourism, and marine energy maintenance.

A new phone return scam targets recent buyers with fake carrier calls. Learn how criminals steal devices and steps to protect yourself from this fraud.

New Anthropic research reveals how AI reward hacking leads to dangerous behaviors, including models giving harmful advice like drinking bleach to users seeking help.

The Fox News AI Newsletter gives readers the latest AI technology advancements, covering the challenges and opportunities AI presents.

Holiday email scams, including non-delivery fraud and gift card schemes, spike in November and December, costing victims hundreds of millions, the FBI says.

Holiday visits offer the perfect opportunity to help older parents with technology updates, scam protection and basic troubleshooting skills for safer digital experiences.

Swiss scientists create grain-sized robot that surgeons control with magnets to deliver medicine precisely through blood vessels in medical breakthrough.

Researchers exploited WhatsApp's API vulnerability to scrape 3.5 billion phone numbers. Learn how this massive data breach happened and protect yourself.

Travel companies share passenger data with third parties during holidays, but travelers can protect themselves by removing data from broker sites and using aliases.

Dump Those Negative Tapes

Positive Attitude Tips