The Post-Holiday Blues In Stepfamilies

In stepfamilies, big holiday expectations can lead to big disappointment--and post-holiday blues, says Susan Wisdom, a licensed professional counselor and co-author of "Stepcoupling."

As a stepmom, I know about expectations. Every year, just before the holidays, I start thinking about how to recreate Christmas Eve at my grandmother's house. In her big two-story home, my family and I crowded into her dining room and kitchen with about two dozen relatives. We munched on turkey, cranberries and dressing, then topped off the meal with my grandma's home-made cookies. With my 14 siblings and cousins, I played board games while my dad and uncles stomped around on the roof, yelling "Santa's coming!" much to our delight.

With these memories, it's easy to begin the holidays with huge expectations about what I want for my stepfamily. And it's easy to end the holidays with some sadness over how difficult it was to re-create the magic of my childhood.

"There are so many expectations and the hype is so big," says Wisdom. "It can be a real setup. In reality, Christmas is not perfect in traditional families. There's a lot of stress."

If your family is like ours, you may spend a lot of time negotiating with ex-spouses over who gets which kids--and when-- during the holidays. And if you family is like ours, you may be disappointed when kids announce they've already decorated two Christmas trees at their step-relatives' and refuse to do one more. Or they may arrive at your house exhausted from their "first" Christmas at the "other" house and may prefer napping to opening gifts.

In addition, a stepchild may reject a stepparent, Wisdom says. Adults may drink too much and behave in ways they later regret. A child's biological parent may complain that a stepparent has more money to spend on gifts, creating tension between a child's two homes.

As Shauna Haley, a stepmom in Portland, Oregon, says, "The holidays this year were such a painful reminder of our stepfamily situation-and how little influence I have on my stepdaughter's life." Her stepdaughter lives in another state, and only visited for a few days after Christmas this year. Haley had big dreams over how she would spend those few days with her stepdaughter, then was crushed when her dreams weren't realized and her stepdaughter was homesick.

To help stepfamilies cope with such disappointment, Wisdom recommends that parents begin by doing some "patch up work" after the holiday season. Talk to your spouse, ex-spouse and children about the issues that came up during the holidays.

"Reach out to your own children and each other's children. Understand what they were dealing with. Forgive them for fights or bad attitudes or moments of sibling rivalry that happen during the holidays under stress," Wisdom says. "Stepcouples need to be available to each other and to the children more than ever. This can be a hard time. Make amends, make apologies."

If parents find it difficult to talk with ex-spouses, this may be a good time to go to counseling with ex-spouses about the many issues that come up during the holidays, she says.

After trying to discuss the holidays with everyone involved, parents in stepfamilies should examine their expectations and consider toning them down next year. Wisdom recommends:

  • Keep it simple. Don't stress out. Perfectionism is not the goal. Peace and serenity are more important!
  • Don't over-commit. Your kids need you--not the 25 gifts you don't have time to wrap. Don't overload on activities, food and drink.
  • Plan ahead. Talk with your spouse about how you want to celebrate next year. Talk with your children's other biological parents about how to share holidays with your children.
  • Coordinate with ex-spouses over gift giving.
  • Keep old traditions and establish new ones.
  • Be flexible and cultivate a sense of humor. Laugh about the time your dog lapped up the spilled pudding!

In an effort to follow the above advice, I try to joke about the fact that my 16-year-old prefers his stepmom's cooking during the holidays. "She bakes pies and lets me eat milk products," he likes to tell me, with a smile in his eyes. Rather than donning an apron and gorging my son with sweets and allergy-producing foods, I remind him of the time my holiday squash cannon-balled out of the oven! That memory always makes us laugh, which is indeed a great antidote to the post-holiday blues.

Writer Lisa Cohn is co-author of "One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice For Stepfamilies," which is a 2004 Gold National Parenting Publications Award winner. For more information, visit her at http://www.stepfamilyadvice.com.

recurring cleaning service Wilmette ..
In The News:

New Android malware NGate steals NFC payment codes in real-time, allowing criminals to withdraw cash from ATMs without your card. Learn protection tips.
DoorDash confirms data breach exposing customer names, emails, addresses after social engineering attack. Learn how to protect yourself from scams.
Concerned about Google's AI scanning your Gmail? Learn how to disable Gemini features that access your emails, Drive files and Chat messages for privacy.
Google warns Android users about dangerous fake VPN apps hiding malware that steals passwords, banking details and personal data from phones and tablets.
Apple's digital passport feature lets iPhone users breeze through TSA checkpoints this holiday season using Digital ID technology at 250+ airports.
A new phishing scam targets family photos with fake "Cloud Storage Full" alerts. Criminals steal credit card information through fake sites. Learn protection tips.
South Korean scientists create ultra-thin fabric muscles that turn clothes into robotic assistants, lifting 33 pounds while weighing under half an ounce.
Archer Aviation has acquired Hawthorne Airport for $126M to launch an LA air taxi network ahead of the 2028 Olympics, featuring AI-powered eVTOL operations and next-gen aviation tech.
Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.
Fake AI apps disguised as "ChatGPT" and "DALLĀ·E" are flooding app stores with dangerous malware that steals data and monitors users without detection.
Fake buyers demand specific vehicle reports from unknown sites to steal credit card information from car sellers, but warning signs can help identify these scams before paying.
Android users can now manage apps across multiple devices more easily with Google Play Store's updated remote uninstall button in the latest update.
NASA's Perseverance rover discovers shiny metallic rock on Mars that could be a meteorite from an ancient asteroid, containing high levels of iron and nickel.
Holiday scams spike during Black Friday and Cyber Monday as criminals exploit your leaked personal data. Learn how to protect yourself from fake stores and phishing.
Commerce Department proposes TP-Link router ban over Chinese security risks. Learn how this potential prohibition could affect your home network and devices.
Hyundai AutoEver America suffered a data breach affecting 2,000 current and former employees, exposing names, Social Security numbers and driver's license information.
Washington court rules automated license plate reader images are public records, even when stored by vendors like Flock Safety, setting precedent for transparency.
Fake airline texts claiming flight cancellations are targeting travelers with convincing scams. Learn how cybercriminals steal personal data and credit card info.
Discover how iOS 26's new Adaptive Power feature automatically extends iPhone battery life by learning your usage patterns and adjusting performance intelligently.
New TikTok malware campaign tricks users into running PowerShell commands that download Aura Stealer, which steals credentials and authentication tokens.
Gaia Family offers fixed upfront pricing for IVF cycles with unlimited embryo transfers and financial protection, partnering with over 100 U.S. fertility clinics.
The Jetsons Act aims to position Pennsylvania as a leader in advanced air mobility by establishing regulations for hybrid ground-air vehicles.
Fake Geek Squad invoice emails are targeting users with convincing charges and urgent phone numbers to steal personal information and money.
Fox News Digital's artificial intelligence newsletter digs into a robot in Russia that faceplanted, George Clooney's alarm and OpenAI's rivalry with the New York Times.
Major data breach at Conduent exposes personal information of 10+ million people. Government contractor hit by cyberattack affecting Medicaid, child support systems.

The Secret To Keeping Kids Interested on Family Vacations

Vacations and trips are great family events, but how do... Read More

Boundaries - Why Theyre Needed

Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life,... Read More

Stay at Home Mom You Need to Raise Cowboys

Now I know that is not how the song goes,... Read More

Honey I Can?t Afford The Kids

Sex has a lot to answer for ? babies usually... Read More

15 New Years and Holiday Resolutions For Parents

Have you made your usual New Year resolutions? You know... Read More

The Laid Back Parents Guide to Teaching Your Child to Read

At first I thought of titling this article "The Lazy... Read More

The Parent Teen Relationship: How Effective is Yours?

It was the homework that did it. Each night became... Read More

Eco-Parenting

Arabella Greatorex, owner of The Natural Nursery, reports on the... Read More

Classic Parenting: Encouragement, Praise, Acceptance, and Responsibility

Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and... Read More

What is Hyperactivity in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?

Most of the ADHD kids that are seen in a... Read More

The Giving Jar

Giving with a happy heart. If you teach a child... Read More

The Top 10 Tips for Communicating with Children

Most people have more training before they receive their driver's... Read More

Does Your Child Need A Bedtime Routine? - Yes!

Do you struggle to get your child to bed at... Read More

New Baby ? Relax and Become a Yummy Mummy

Lets face it becoming a mum is a bit of... Read More

Types of Schools for Troubled Teens

It can be difficult on all family members to have... Read More

Parenting: 6 Observations on Fatherhood

Just the other day my oldest son asked:"Daddy, am I... Read More

People of the Century by Dan Rather

Dan Rather made a significant and tactical error and got... Read More

Over-Indulgence And Over-Attentiveness - Two Dangers Parents Must Avoid!

We're all familiar with the over-indulgent parent. But there's another... Read More

Nights by a Pinocchio Lamp

Sitting by her Pinocchio lamp, she smiled at me as... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: 4 Traps to Avoid

4 traps to avoidTrap 1 - Parents need to realize... Read More

Coping With Colic

Quite simply, an absolute nightmare for parents and babies alike,... Read More

Preventing Obesity in Young Children

Do you have a young child whose weight or eating... Read More

Teach Your Child About Money

What are we teaching our children about money? Hopefully something!I... Read More

To Clean or Not To Clean

Before my daughter was born my house was... Read More

Guide To Choosing Educational Toys For Children

In the last few years, parents started getting more and... Read More

reliable maid service Morton Grove ..