"You can't always get what you want . . ." The Rolling Stones will soon be singing this refrain at venues around the world, as they embark on a year-long concert tour in August.
This song, now decades old, addresses a universal truth. Here's the rest of the refrain:
You can't always get what you want . . .
But if you try sometimes
You just might find
You get what you need.
What is it that you really wanted and didn't get? The affections of a person who was with someone else? That dream job? The last cinnamon-raisin bagel snapped up by the customer in front of you?
These scenarios range from trivial to potentially life-changing, but they all have one thing in common:
WHEN YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU WANT IT EVEN MORE.
Here are three reasons why this is so:
1. Heightened attention: When something is hard to get (or forbidden) you immediately pay more attention to it. Notice that when you are on a restricted diet, you sometimes get too focused on what you "can't" eat. This heightened attention -- which can escalate into obsession -- makes the forbidden food seem very important. Your inner brat takes advantage of this, and tries to convince you that you MUST have that chocolate.
2. Perceived scarcity: When something is scarce or in short supply, its perceived value increases. You want it more because you think other people also want it. If you've ever bid at auctions or on eBay, you know the experience of that last-minute excitement as you watch the bids spiral upward. The more people who bid, the more you're willing to pay for the item. Your inner brat wants it at any price.
3. "Psychological Reactance": People don't like to be told they can't have or can't do something. It's related to not wanting to be controlled by others, especially if the situation feels unfair or arbitrary. The "reactance" is both emotional and behavioral.
The emotional part is your inner brat saying, "Oh yeah? I can't have what I want? Just try and stop me!"
The behavioral component is what you do about it, which usually involves some type of rebellious reaction. You see this with teenagers whose parents have forbidden them to date certain people. Reactance also explains why a "Wet Paint" sign invites unwanted fingerprints on the newly painted surface.
Next time you don't get what you want, ask yourself whether one of the above factors has influenced your desire. If so, let go of the pursuit. Your inner brat won't be happy, but ultimately (in the words of the Rolling Stones,) you "might just find [that] you get what you need."
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Camp Hill, PA, and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2004)
Visit http://www.innerbrat.com for more information, and subscribe to her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.
Oswego taxi to Midway ..Spring is here at last! The season brings with it... Read More
Positive self-esteem is very important if not crucial to our... Read More
Many people who suffer from low self-esteem would give anything... Read More
The easiest, most exciting adventure in consciousness follows the lamplit... Read More
Looking for a bit more mindfulness in your daily life?... Read More
Smart folk have always realised how vital it is to... Read More
We all have a unique way of communicating our story,... Read More
This is the age of the Quick Fix - the... Read More
Are feelings and attitudes the same thing or different? Does... Read More
I will never forget an evening in 2003, when I... Read More
Do you feel that your negative thoughts are holding you... Read More
Have you ever thought about you have a lot to... Read More
I have studied the idea of changing thoughts to create... Read More
I'm a working mother with a preschooler, worrying about Mom... Read More
How do you explain things to yourself? With positive self... Read More
Philippians 4:6-do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,... Read More
There is a growing appreciation of the impact of psychic... Read More
The other day one of my "challenging clients" and I... Read More
Part 1Recently, in a women's therapy group that I run,... Read More
I'm often asked how it is that I stay so... Read More
Several years, I was listening to a radio talk show... Read More
The infamous "glass ceiling" is blamed for business issues for... Read More
You've probably heard this idea at one time or another.... Read More
There are countless books that describe success principles. Here are... Read More
The Alchemists of old worked over many years, centuries, in... Read More
shuttle from Midway Morris ..Life is the greatest roller coaster ride we will ever... Read More
Do you feel that your negative thoughts are holding you... Read More
WE ARE ALL THINKING ALL OF THE TIME.Can you believe... Read More
Facing a change and want to make it work for... Read More
Imagine the what you could achieve if:You were 100 %... Read More
You are the only one that can give confidence to... Read More
Are you driving under the influence of impaired emotions?Dateline: December... Read More
Our initial reaction when hitting a setback or a "roadblock,... Read More
Wahms, do you constantly compare yourself with others and come... Read More
The image you hold of yourself determines your success or... Read More
If I say the word "CHANGE" how do you feel?... Read More
Not Amen, just so we're clear on that.AND.The little connector... Read More
Are you completely happy in your life right now? Honestly?... Read More
Most of us carry on a running internal dialogue at... Read More
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.... Read More
The surge of emotions.During the middle ages, the court jester... Read More
Never Quitting Equals Success Most people who achieve fortunes in... Read More
"There is an infinitely worthier subject for philosophers (to study)... Read More
Look at this glass on the table in front of... Read More
The world is going downhill faster than an Olympic skier.... Read More
While trying to ignore my teen daughters rap music a... Read More
Many people find it extremely difficult to be assertive, whether... Read More
What's my life all about is the question so many... Read More
Quote of the week:"Of all the attitudes we can acquire,... Read More
The universe is vast, it's dimensions inconceivable, it's potentialities unimaginable,... Read More
Positive Attitude Tips |