Drug testing

Why Wont My Child Do as I Say?

In speaking with parents a comment I frequently hear is "My child won't listen!" Repeated attempts in trying to get a child to co-operate often lands on deaf ears and leaves parents feeling exhausted and helpless. Frequently we say things we later regret and become riddled with guilt. Usual attempts often include nagging, yelling, spanking, time out, lecturing and threats. Despite consistently not getting the results we're looking for, we resort to the same methods time and time again. We usually use what we were taught to use by our own parents. Although we often resolve to ourselves that we will do things differently and not resort to some of their methods of parenting, we do. It seems to be automatic. This is not intended to be an article about blaming our parents, rather an understanding of why we do what we do and provide some alternative responses. There were no parenting courses for our parents and they all did the best they knew how.

Consider for a moment your own internal response when someone you know demands that you do something or that you to stop doing something. For the most part, we instantly become defensive and decide that we'll do as we please. We feel robbed of our power and control. We often feel attacked and want to attack back. Children have the same internal response when we use a hostile tone of voice and demand that something be stopped or that something be accomplished.

Simply by rephrasing our request and using a more positive tone we can often get the result we're looking for. If children don't feel attacked there is less of a need to become defensive and if they feel they can hold on to some power there is less of a need to gain power. "Stop that right now!!" can be rephrased to: "As soon as you stop doing that, I'll know you're ready to go the park." "Pick up your toys right now or they're all going into the garbage!!!" can be changed to: "I need you to pick up your toys before you watch your program. I can help. Do you want to pick up the lego or the cars?" "Get into the car right now!!!" can be changed to: "We need to go out in the car now. What toy do you want to bring with you?" When attempting to get your child to pick up toys, without raising your voice you can try saying: "As soon as you've put your train set away, I'll know you're ready for your snack." Also, a "no!" response to a child can often be turned into a "yes". "Can I have a cookie?" Instead of saying no you can say: "Yes, as soon as we get home, or as soon as you've finished your lunch, or later this afternoon?" Nagging and lecturing as a way to engage a child is almost guaranteed to evoke a defiant response. It's seen as a form of attack which makes us all; young and old respond defensively.

Children will learn to respect us more when we show respect towards them. They also learn how to show respect towards others. Do you sometimes hear yourself when overhearing your child playing with another child? I've often heard parents say: "Oh my gosh! She sounds just like me!" Often times, we don't like what we hear but we can choose to use what we hear out of our of children's mouths as an opportunity to make some positive changes to our parenting. Children are great mimics. If we want them to treat others respectfully, we first of all have to model respect.

By no means does this mean allowing them to do as they please or condoning unacceptable behavior. They need strongly defined limits but within those limits we need to allow them to make acceptable choices. Strongly defined limits means establishing simple, enforceable rules, deciding on appropriate consequences for misbehaviors and following through, and being consistent.

Barbara Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach
http://www.theparentingcoach.com
604-524-1783
barb@theparentingcoach.com

In The News:

An alligator and a Burmese python were locked in a cold-blooded battle to the death as a crowd watched in shock at a golf course in Naples, Fla.
A team of experts in Mexico has discovered two linked underwater caverns that are more than 4,000 years old and form the largest known such cave on earth.
CHEYENNE, Wyo. (AP) — How does a bighorn sheep say "cheese?"
Our solar system may be an oddball in the universe.
Experts in the Netherlands have identified two previously unknown drawings as works by Vincent van Gogh.
NATIONAL HARBOR, Md. — The universe is filled with faintly glowing infrared light, and for decades, astronomers have been trying to figure out why. But now, they've finally determined the source of this strange cosmic radiation: It is emitted by an organic molecule called benzonitrile, which seems to permeate every part of the known universe. The researchers presented their findings here at the 231st meeting of the American Astronomical Society.
The National Weather Service says the bright light and what sounded like thunder in the sky across the Detroit metropolitan area may have been a meteor.
More than 30 years after the catastrophic nuclear accident that led to 31 directly-related deaths and is considered the worst nuclear power plant accident in recorded history, Chernobyl is getting a new lease on life thanks to a new as a 1MW solar power plant.
Those poor, misjudged rats?
Scientists have discovered a surprisingly "visionary" detail about a dinosaur-age bird that had a tooth-filled beak: It could likely see in color.

Develop Your Childs Genius: Improving Concentration and Focus

Some people can concentrate on an assignment, to the exclusion... Read More

?Gimme? Proof Your Kids: How To Keep Your Child?s Materialism In Check

It's the first day of the summer holiday. Five year-old... Read More

Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson Never Went To Public School

Most of our Founding Fathers, including Ben Franklin, Sam Adams,... Read More

Promoting Your Childs Heart Health

Cardiovascular endurance is one of the five health-related components of... Read More

Help Your Child Do Better in School

1. Create... Read More

Theres Never a Bad Time To Start Helping To Spread The Word of God

Q. What's the right age to start giving a Bible... Read More

Send Your Child to College FREE!

College is one of the largest expenses through the course... Read More

Working Moms vs. Stay-at-Home Moms, Lets Stop Debating Each Other and Debate the System Instead!

I could nearly fund my children's future education if I... Read More

How to Get a Good Diagnosis to See If Your Child Has ADHD

Your child's teacher says that you need to find out... Read More

Celebrating Life with Children in September

Here are ten simple pleasures you can enjoy with your... Read More

Teaching Reading : Part Two

We know that you want your little guy or gal... Read More

Peer Pressure - Five Ways to Help Teenagers Beat Peer Influence

Young people generally want to fit in to their various... Read More

Don?t Make Fast and Furious Food Changes

OK, moms and dads out there, we hear you when... Read More

Teaching Respect And Values In Todays Society

The girl's jaw dropped in horror as the police officer... Read More

Strengths and Weaknesses

All too often, children with learning disabilities are seen through... Read More

Now, Theyre Bullying My Daughter In Our Home: Welcome To Cyber-Bullying

Last night Tom's daughter, Sue, came out of her room... Read More

Parents of Toddlers and Pre-Schoolers: 7 Universal Laws

1. The Law of the BeastAs parents we need to... Read More

I Dont Believe in ADHD

O.K. I've heard it a hundred times from my prison... Read More

Parents: You Can Do Something About Professional Sports Ethics

Most of us can agree that there is a lack... Read More

The Graceful Art of Defrazzling - For Mothers

"I wipe my baby's chin with my college diploma and... Read More

The Benefits of Music Education

Despite serious reductions in funding for arts programs in... Read More

Family Meetings Are Now On The Agenda

"Not another meeting!"That tends to be the reaction from many... Read More

Loving Your Step-Children

Loving your step-child can be both simple and hard. It... Read More

6 Signs You?re A High Maintenance Parent

The children of Baby Boomers, the Echo Generation, are entering... Read More

Americas Public School System --- Brutal and Spartan

The public school system in America has become a dismal... Read More

high bay lights commercial lighting Pete's produce ..