So, the thing is? I am feeling a little guilty.
I know, I know, what's new? I'm like the travel agent for guilt trips. Right now I'm feeling a little guilty because I am so madly in love with my little Smiley Jane, who turns two-years-old today. I mean, REALLY crazy about her. I can't keep my hands off of her. Her smile just lights up my whole world and that laugh-gosh, if I could bottle that baby deep-belly laugh, I would be the richest woman in the world. It's hard to capture the essence of Jane's personality with words. I can't really describe that sense of perpetual motion, that blinding smile. It's like she is lit from within, and I think that light is joy and enthusiasm and awe for this world. She's so loving and so happy (even with that awesome temper) and then you add that baby skin and that wall-to-wall smile and the next thing you know, I am feeling guilty!
I can remember going through this phase with Ana (now four-and-a-half) too, although she was never quite so over-the top at loving me back as Jane is. But there was no need to feel guilty because she was my first. I just totally indulged myself in a big crush on my girl. But with Jane, there's this vague sense that maybe I'm being somehow unfair. Like maybe my infatuation with her takes something away from Ana.
And it's true, you know. I am NOT madly infatuated with Ana at the moment. I LOVE her and I appreciate her and I marvel at her but it's also her job to push my buttons. She's good at it. The whining thing. The testing thing. The negotiating thing. The monitoring my speed limit when I drive thing. I can honestly (albeit ashamedly) say that when she goes to school, I am a little relieved. It's just hard with her right now. She's four going on about thirteen, and she ignores me half the time and is cheeky another fourth of the time and then she's so completely wonderful and loving and funny the other fourth that I feel MORE guilt.
Oh, but that Hurricane Jane! I miss her if she's merely taking a long nap. Sometimes when I go in to check on her at night and I see her, asleep in her mermaid pajamas and her little rump up in the air, I have to stop myself from picking her up, just to feel her little baby self. She's so compact at this age. She hugs so well. I am getting some real one-on-one time with her now that Ana's in school in the mornings. And she's just CHARMING.
I took her to the playground the other day and she wanted me to swing on the big girl swing next to her. "That's GREAT swinging, Mama!" she said, encouragingly. (I love the way she always uses everyone's proper names when she is addressing them.) A little bit later, as we sat on the playscape and looked at the full moon still visible in the sky, she turned to me, blue eyes grave and awed. "Boo-ful. It's boo-ful, Mama." I gazed back at her, afraid my heart would burst. "Yes, Jane. It is. Beautiful."
I think part of appreciating Jane so much is that I know now how fleeting these days are. Every wonderful stage gives way to something else, and where once I cradled her and leaned over her as she took her first steps, now I'm watching her run away from me into her own world. And after Ana, I knew this was coming, so all the times Jane runs into my arms become that much more precious. I give myself permission to enjoy the view of her little naked behind and the funny way she confuses her pronouns. ("Hold you? Hold you, Mama?") She's given to spontaneously saying, "I luff you, Mama." But I know. I know the day is coming when it will be gone, the last vestiges of her babyhood, almost without me even noticing.
Sometimes I watch Ana in this new role as my Independent Big Girl and I just want so much to reach out and pull her into my lap and hold her for a long while. I want to tell her I'm on her side. But I can't. She wouldn't stand for it (or believe me, for that matter.) The other night she came out of her room after bedtime on some pretext and when I tucked her back in, I kissed her.
She wiped my kiss off.
I guess this is a normal rite of passage, but must they all be such heartbreakers? I thought I was allotted a period of time when I got to be the hero -- what happened? This past summer, after I'd said "No" to her about something, she wanted to go to the grocery store and find a new family and go home with THEM. (I wish I could say I responded with sensitive probing about her feelings but instead I said, "Okay, as soon as you find a new family, I'll drive you right to their house.") The teenage years loom large.
So you can see why I prefer, ever so slightly, the uncomplicated relationship I share with the little Hurricane. She who still craves my presence and hugs me with abandon and misses me when I'm away. She who spontaneously started to YODEL in the grocery store a few months ago. (Seriously!) She, who is so responsive to my slightest touch. Who is silly just to make me laugh. Who likes to wear my shoes.
Maybe the first two years or so of a child's life are given to us as gifts ?so we have a firm foundation of holding them closely that will withstand the next sixteen years of them distancing themselves from us. As Graham Green said, "There is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in." I don't actually know that this is the start of the third year, but it would make sense.
I don't really want Jane to stay a baby ?there are many other wonderful milestones along the way to adulthood. But I am enjoying every minute of it while I can (albeit with a small amount of guilt.)
Happy birthday, Smiley Jane. May you always have that sparkle in your eye and that yodel in your heart.
Babies are such a nice way to start people. ~Don Herrold
To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free e-mail newsletter, send e-mail to barb@sothethingis.com. (Your address will not be used for any other purpose.) If you would like to forward this column on, please do so in its entirety. Feedback welcome. Back issues can be found at barb@sothethingis.com.
(c) Barbara Cooper 2002
About The Author
Barb Cooper is the mother of Ana (4.5) and Jane (TWO) and this newsletter entitled "So, the thing is.... She lives in Austin, Texas.
Alexis limo rentals ..Q. How do we decide what our teens should be... Read More
Teens don't learn responsibility overnight. If you haven't been working... Read More
Often I have heard that leaders are born, not made.... Read More
Under the "No Child Left Behind Act," public schools whose... Read More
Impulsivity is one of the hallmarks of people with Attention... Read More
Hope, excitement and anxiety all wrapped up in fresh haircuts... Read More
Unfortunately each year many young children drown in swimming pools,... Read More
Much has been said about the "gifted child" but in... Read More
If there are any parents reading this who are thinking... Read More
My thirteen-year-old daughter recently called me up to say she... Read More
I've often thought that in 6 million years, archaeologists will... Read More
1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make... Read More
When it comes to the treatment of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity... Read More
Life is full of competition -- even in childhood. Kids... Read More
Your child's leadership skills begin at the family dinner table.... Read More
I've learned numerous, important lessons on life, motherhood and men... Read More
Over a number of years there have been issues raised... Read More
To protect children's self-esteem or deflect complaints by parents, many... Read More
Many people still think that the game of chess is... Read More
When David was nine and Laura was twelve, the battles... Read More
What Children Look for in a Friend?Is this child fun... Read More
(Excerpted from Jim Rohn's 2004 Weekend Leadership Event)You have to... Read More
Emotional OverloadMany single parents say they deal with a variety... Read More
Adderall is a stimulant medication used in the treatment of... Read More
A great many parents are concerned that the electronic games... Read More
car service from Midway Alsip ..Julia Roberts recently gave birth to twins: Hazel and Phinnaeus.... Read More
Incest is sexual activity, ranging from fondling to intercourse, between... Read More
While youth gangs are nothing new -- they've been traced... Read More
Recess has begun disappearing in states all around the country.... Read More
Learning obedience is an important part of child development. This... Read More
I look out of the window as I am writing... Read More
'I felt great until I walked into the classroom -... Read More
It's that time of year when mom and dad look... Read More
Compulsory attendance laws are school authorities' first assault on parental... Read More
Your child's first year of school should be a fun... Read More
1. Boundaries are necessary for control and safety.All children need... Read More
"To educate a person in mind and not in morals... Read More
The debate in many towns continues throughout this country about... Read More
Hints from Ruowen Wang? Keep a small basket filled with... Read More
An apology is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes... Read More
The main thing we noticed since having a baby is... Read More
Whenever parents discuss how to deal with bed wetting, the... Read More
Imagine you were the principal of the school that your... Read More
Ask parents what their biggest school year challenge is, and... Read More
When choosing the perfect jogging stroller, a very important question... Read More
According to a September 2004 study by the RAND Corporation,... Read More
To have reasonable expectations of our children is an important... Read More
When growing up, my father frequently reminded me to "pay... Read More
The choices are mind numbing. Walk into any toy store... Read More
From the book Spider's Night on the BoomI've only begun... Read More
Parenting |