Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon turned into a disaster. There were smiles all round as we hit off from the first tee but the enjoyment factor was reduced to zero as my children's smiles were replaced by tears, put downs and whining.
The source of all this angst was the scorecard. Or to be more precise competitiveness over the scores. The pressure was on my eldest to make sure that his younger siblings did not turn in a better score than he did. The game was going disastrously for him and it appeared that a thrashing from a younger sister was imminent. And the youngest was reduced to tears as her score didn't quite match her expectations. I felt my blood begin to boil as the family activity disintegrated amongst the tears of a poorly-performing daughter, the put downs from the eldest and the whining recriminations of the middle child who was the butt of the put downs from the disgruntled eldest.
At the half-way point I had a rare a brain-wave. Rather than add my bit to this picture of disharmony by delivering a mini-lecture I decided to remove the source of the anxiety - the score card. "What do you say that we don't score any more?" I announced. "Good idea," they chorused. The relief was evident immediately. With the element of competition removed everyone was able to enjoy the game. Smiles replaced scowls and I swear I even heard them laughing.
While competition maybe good for business and promote better performance in sport it does little to promote harmony in a family. It is okay if there is a level playing field and everyone has a chance of succeeding. Or if it is contained to the sports field and the playground. But when it spills over into other areas of family life it can lead to arguments, lack of cooperation and other uncivil behaviour.
Rivalry is difficult to keep out of families as kids constantly compare themselves to each other even when there is no score to keep. However sometimes parents unwittingly promote competition, particularly when they praise children for their performance rather than their efforts.
When children see that results are important to parents in any area they will often give up if they can't perform as well as a sibling and look for another field where they can gain parental approval. The number of eldest and second-born children in families who excel in different fields is testament to the rivalry that so often takes place between kids. While most parents will claim that their approval of kids is not subject to performance in sport, schoolwork or any other area it is how kids perceive the situation that is most relevant. And kids constantly keep score and know where they rank compared to each other.
The use of sibling comparison is also very divisive. Comments from parents such as "Why don't you keep your bedroom clean like your sister?" or "Your brother does his homework every night. Why can't you?" maybe well-meaning but offering up the standards of one for another to aspire to just drives a wedge between siblings.
As my family game of mini golf showed it is hard to get away from competition. As soon as scores are involved invariably there will be comparisons. While kids must learn that they should be good losers and even better winners they also need to understand that parental approval does not depend on their performance.
It is also important to reinforce to kids that as human beings we all have our special areas of expertise. This point is easier to get across if a child has an obvious area of strength and can become a sore point until a child discovers where his or her talents lie.
Back to the family game of mini-golf. Shouldn't the kids be able to play against each other and cope with winning and losing, some performing better than others? Ideally yes, but it can be a great deal less stressful for everyone to remove the concept of competing and just have a bit of fun. There are plenty of opportunities for kids to see how they measure up - they do it every time they bring home a school report card - without adding another one.
In future I think I'll stick to something safe like beach cricket. Then again they keep scores in that, don't they?
Michael Grose is The Parent Coach. For seventeen years he has been helping parents deal with the rigours of raising kids and survive!! For information about Michael's Parent Coaching programs or just some fine advice and ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au
Oswego taxi to Midway ..At first I thought of titling this article "The Lazy... Read More
"I took care of Callie," my three-year-old announced.Callie had been... Read More
Ever feel like you're out of the loop when it... Read More
Do you remember how you first learned the alphabet? I... Read More
A growing body of scientific evidence shows that the way... Read More
Meningitis is an inflammation of the membranes around the brain... Read More
It was blisteringly hot last Saturday. As I took that... Read More
I know as a single parent or even with 2... Read More
The debate in many towns continues throughout this country about... Read More
Here we will come to know who are the most... Read More
Something happened the other day that made me feel uneasy.... Read More
Research published by University of Rochester neuroscientists C. Shawn Green... Read More
Successful parents have learned to be both firm and kind... Read More
As our children grow, they will be going to schools... Read More
Julia Roberts recently gave birth to twins: Hazel and Phinnaeus.... Read More
I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More
If your child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder then at... Read More
There are a few points about shyness in children which... Read More
The big yellow school bus is coming down my road... Read More
An estimated five million scooters will be sold this year... Read More
There are many parenting styles. Yours may be very different... Read More
In seminars I am often asked about pocket-money and whether... Read More
I was reading "A Modern Infant Armada", a humor column... Read More
"I could have helped you if I would have known,... Read More
A sure way to double the joys of parenthood is... Read More
shuttle from Midway Morris ..Summertime means insect bites and stings. Ouch! Take a leaf... Read More
It's the first day of the summer holiday. Five year-old... Read More
How often do you think of family life as an... Read More
It's no joy to be sick. It's even less joy... Read More
Individualism is a common thing in today's modern society. Many... Read More
Many research studies have shown the overall effectiveness of stimulant... Read More
1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make... Read More
1 "Law of Belonging": The greatest need of teenagers (after... Read More
When we consider that the word allowance means, "allowing for,"... Read More
There has been much attention in the media of late... Read More
In the news, we hear and see an increasing number... Read More
Even though the "Stop and Think" movement in ADHD treatment... Read More
Identity and Your Fraternal TwinFor the most part, throughout this... Read More
Sex has a lot to answer for ? babies usually... Read More
In today's mental health system there is a pattern of... Read More
The cruel callous remarks made by our offspring can sometimes... Read More
Sara loves pampering. Haircuts, facials, manicures, and makeup bring smiles,... Read More
When you're a parent it's a difficult decision to know... Read More
Let's face it.The job market is getting tougher every day.Computerization... Read More
A tall, weary-looking mother with glasses, walked into my counseling... Read More
Spending quality time with your children doesn't need to cost... Read More
For the first year or two of life outside the... Read More
Are you being smart about water conservation? Do you consider... Read More
There are many reasons for treating your twins as individuals... Read More
NY -- Strange as it may sound, bordom promotes happier,... Read More
Parenting |