Parents of teenagers frequently ask what can be done to improve their relationship with their kids. This can be a challenging time, and a time when parents sometimes feel rejected, out of touch, and unclear about what to do. Here's a simple strategy that can help set you up for a smoother ride.
Stay C.A.L.M. Why "calm"? When teenagers are asked what parents can do to help keep communication open, teens invariably reply: "Don't freak out!" Evidently, teens' perceptions are, when they are sharing something important, or sensitive, parents too often go off the deep end. There is no surer way to shut down communication than to over-react. Parents may have difficulty not reacting to information that touches upon a nerve, so this can be tricky for parents. But it is possible to listen, and to focus on not lecturing, to keep your teen talking. It may be they are telling you this sensitive information because they will feel safer if you are informed, and because they value your relationship. It is also highly likely that they share your values. It is possible for parents to listen without freaking out. Try asking your teen directly what he/she wants you to do with this information ? is she asking for your advice? If not, DON'T give it. Be gentle ?be calm. And your teenager might just keep talking to you.
Let's examine with the other letters stand for:
C ? Connect Parents fret over lack of communication; but sometimes expectations are too high and the atmosphere becomes tense with unmet desires. Focus instead on 'connection.' This has a different connotation. To "connect" implies sharing an experience, sharing time and space, being on the same wave length. Almost everybody can find a way to connect with their teen ? it might take some planning and creativity, but it is possible. Share a tennis game, go to a movie, go out for ice cream, play a ping pong, bake some cookies together? find some pleasant activity that you can share together. Keep your focus on nothing more serious than enjoying that activity together. By "connecting" you will have created the environment for communication to take place. That's the important first step. Then it might be best to let nature takes its course. Oh ? and take this step of "connecting" frequently?don't make your shared activities be a rare event or it can work against you.
A ? Adjust You know how dramatically your teenager is changing?it is happening in every possible way: physically, emotionally, sexually, cognitively?this is a very dramatic time in a person's life. Are you changing in response? Think about it - if your child is changing in significant ways doesn't it stand to reason that a parent should change in response? You bet it does! Parents need to constantly adjust our parenting style so that it is appropriately matched to the developmental stage of our child. To fail to change means that we might fail to teach them important lessons, or we could negatively impact their developing independence and maturity. It also means we can undermine our relationship with them. Parents need to adjust continually. That's part of the job.
L ? Listen Truly, there is no easier way that allows you to improve communication and improve your relationship with your child than to spend more time listening. Parents usually think they are doing a much better job of this than their kids think they are. It's hard changing from being the resident ''authority" to having everything you say questioned. As parents intentionally adjust our view of our developing young adult, we need to intentionally spend more time listening to their thoughts and validating their feelings rather than sharing our opinions or fixing their problems. Nothing improves in our relationship until we listen to them.
M ? Monitor How are you doing as you implement these changes? To answer this question you must step back from the daily busy-ness and examine yourself. What are you doing differently? What kind of results are you getting? Be honest in your assessment. What developmental changes are you seeing in your teenager? Are you responding appropriately? Your biggest opportunity for initiating change in your relationship is through your own behavior and attitudes.
Your child is also monitoring you whether you like it or not. In a quiet 'connected' moment with your teen why don't you simply ask how you're doing. "You know, honey, I'm trying to tune into your needs differently, now that you're older. This is my first time parenting a teenager, so I imagine I might not have gotten in completely right. If there was one thing you would change about me, what would that be?" Those of us who have tried this approach are almost always surprised by the response. Try it out! And stay C.A.L.M.
? 2004 Sue Blaney
Sue Blaney is the author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride and Practical Tips for Parents of Young Teens; What You Can Do to Enhance Your Child's Middle School Years. As a communications professional and the parent of two teenagers, she speaks frequently to parents and schools about parenting issues, improving communications and creating parent discussion groups. Visit her website at http://www.pleasestoptherollercoaster.com
shuttle from Midway Glen Ellyn ..Having a baby is one of the most exciting times... Read More
You have a chore to do around the house, and... Read More
The key to lifelong learning is reading and writing. When... Read More
Past experience with federal education programs predicts that the No... Read More
I'm sure many of you have heard that old Hallmark... Read More
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't... Read More
At first I thought of titling this article "The Lazy... Read More
When David was nine and Laura was twelve, the battles... Read More
"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine,... Read More
"What age should my child start school?"This is a common... Read More
Nurture and TeachThe single most important thing caregivers can do... Read More
There are two methods for teaching children to read; whole... Read More
John was a 43 year-old sales manager at a large... Read More
Reading is the most efficient and economical way to help... Read More
1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a... Read More
Does this sound familiar? Have your kids not listened to... Read More
Most teens go into the work world ill-prepared to manage... Read More
You do what you can to keep your little ones... Read More
Do you remember how you first learned the alphabet? I... Read More
Everyone in a private practice setting who works with children... Read More
There is no doubt that mothers play an all-important leading... Read More
Here are some things that you can do to help... Read More
The Internet, is magnificent in its resources for families. Educational... Read More
Dear Vijay,I worry about not being a good parent. My... Read More
The following spelling games can be used by parents to... Read More
shuttle from O'Hare North Chicago ..We adopted our first child when he was three months... Read More
Working with adults (as well as children and teens) for... Read More
Winnie the Pooh is the classic picture of Inattentive ADHD.... Read More
As a parent you will be asked to assist with... Read More
Did you know that many people retire broke?It's true. After... Read More
Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent or teacher more... Read More
The teenage years are a crucial time in a child's... Read More
Julia Roberts recently gave birth to twins: Hazel and Phinnaeus.... Read More
No matter how old your children are, you have an... Read More
Having worked with parents for the last 35 years and... Read More
1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make... Read More
The least flexible character in all of the stories of... Read More
Q: Whenever we tell my daughter "no," she just bugs... Read More
"Before every action, ask yourself: Will this bring more monkeys... Read More
The Real Dangers to Kids Online and How to Avoid... Read More
A study done by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute found... Read More
There are two methods for teaching children to read; whole... Read More
Depending on where you live school will be starting this... Read More
Q. How do we decide what our teens should be... Read More
Dear MomOn this day set aside to honour "Mother's" let... Read More
Often, the struggle at dinnertime with your picky eater is... Read More
Every parent wants their child to develop positive character traits.... Read More
How often do you think of family life as an... Read More
As parents, we strive to address all of the questions... Read More
Do you have a wild child? Then this article may... Read More
Parenting |