Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty attitudes expressed by your teenager? Teenagers can make their parents feel pretty badly at times; if they only knew how much their words and actions sometimes hurt us they'd probably stop. Perhaps.
It isn't a developmental necessity that teenagers be mean to their parents, but enough of them demonstrate this behavior that it not only warrants examination here, it is the topic of frequent discussion among parents. And when young adults look back, they say things like "I'm still apologizing to my mom for how I treated her when I was in high school."
Why do they act this way? What's behind this behavior? Here are a couple of reasons.
During adolescence parents fall off the pedestal we once stood on when our kids were young. And that is a developmental necessity. Part of the process that teenagers are experiencing includes separating from parents, a process psychologists call "individuation." They are coming into their own true ? separate ? selves. And this includes seeing parents realistically ? and that means they see our flaws and short comings as well as our positive attributes.
Smaller children often make that pedestal parents stand on pretty high; think back and you're sure to remember incidences that surprised you when you realized how you were perceived as infallible, nearly "perfect," truly "adored." When teenagers begin to gain a more realistic view of their parents it can actually be scary for them. They can feel vulnerable, angry even, to discover their parents are only human, imperfect like the rest of humanity. Obviously they will learn to cope with this realization, but at an unconscious level it can still be disturbing to them. This can be one cause of their "mean" behavior toward parents.
It will help parents to understand that along with the disappointment in learning adults are flawed, may also come relief as teenagers learn that "perfection" is not a prerequisite for adulthood. Parents can help their teens through this shift in thinking and this important developmental step by being realistic about their flaws.
Another reason why kids sometimes present challenging attitudes to parents is that they're testing out ideas. Hopefully, at a deep level, your teen knows that he/she can count on you and you'll never abandon him/her, no matter what. That makes you, then, the safest person with whom she can express her feeling and thoughts ? even ones that are not typically allowed in our culture.
Parents who provide walls and boundaries are not only keeping kids safe, they are providing walls to push against, and push they will! This may not be what the parent intends, but it is often the case, again, because of the inherent "safety" in the relationship. Parents can become, merely because of circumstances, the testing ground teens use to verbalize ideas, attitudes and behavior, sometimes with little regard for our feelings. Mother-daughter relationships, in particular, can exemplify this. One author referred to "mother" as the "standard to which she aspires and struggles against." So, you see the challenge can be built right into the relationship.
There are many causes for the changing behavior of teenagers, and some of the attitudes they express can hurt parents' feelings. The more parents understand the underlying causes for what is going on, the more we can properly manage our responses. We certainly don't need to accept unacceptable behavior, but on the other hand we can help the situation if we are knowledgeable about what might be really behind it.
Sue Blaney
? 2004
Sue Blaney is the author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride and Practical Tips for Parents of Young Teens; What You Can Do to Enhance Your Child's Middle School Years. As a communications professional and the parent of two teenagers, she speaks frequently to parents and schools about parenting issues, improving communications and creating parent discussion groups. Visit our website at http://www.pleasestoptherollercoaster.com
Oswego taxi to Midway ..For first time parents choosing a swing set or outdoor... Read More
Having a babysitter take care of your kids is sometimes... Read More
When a child wets the bed they worry. Children tend... Read More
Early childhood educators have called play "children's work". Many parents... Read More
How would you like to have a closer relationship with... Read More
Moms and dads, are there times you think that parenting... Read More
Because most teens have not had the experience of getting... Read More
In the news, we hear and see an increasing number... Read More
Paula's last child had just gone off to college and... Read More
Q: My husband and I are at a loss as... Read More
21 Reasons I Love Being A DadWhat you will read... Read More
As the father of a toddler, I am an expert... Read More
It has been a long day. Home from work, you... Read More
If your child is to derive the benefits of physical... Read More
School authorities continually claim that they want more parent cooperation... Read More
People always ask my wife and I: "How did you... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 31,... Read More
You're trying to catch up on some sleep on a... Read More
Most of us recognize the continuing escalation of violence around... Read More
1 "Law of Belonging": The greatest need of teenagers (after... Read More
Public education in the United States has never been equal... Read More
A parent writes in, ``We are having a hard time... Read More
As a mother of two sets of fraternal boy/girl twins,... Read More
Dear MomOn this day set aside to honour "Mother's" let... Read More
Many parental units are not "techies" and openly admit they... Read More
shuttle from Midway Morris ..If your child or teen has been diagnosed with Attention... Read More
Despite serious reductions in funding for arts programs in... Read More
Q. With the school year just beginning, what can we... Read More
Little Suzy has really been having a hard time getting... Read More
Looking for an unusual and memorable gift? Why not preserve... Read More
Cardiovascular endurance is one of the five health-related components of... Read More
LOS ANGELES (May 19, 2005) - With Memorial Day weekend,... Read More
Here are fourteen spontaneous time-outs, specially designed to help you... Read More
One of the implications of the current trend toward smaller... Read More
For troubled teens who are struggling with drug abuse, depression... Read More
Childhood friendships are as special as they are a necessary... Read More
When I was pregnant, we knew that we had some... Read More
"I WON'T DO IT!" "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"Whether parent or... Read More
So you want to be a mum? Every time you... Read More
Beyond cases reported to authorities, little knowledge exists on the... Read More
When kids try new things, sometimes it's a 'fit' and... Read More
Do you have a high maintenance child?"Thank goodness my second... Read More
Many parental units are not "techies" and openly admit they... Read More
Are your children truthful, kind, and helpful? If so, read... Read More
Though you can cover even very long distances by car... Read More
The time you will need to teach your children the... Read More
Learning obedience is an important part of child development. This... Read More
Do you have a consistent problem with your child lying... Read More
Did you know that cooking with your kids is a... Read More
School authorities often complain that classes are too large. They... Read More
Parenting |