The distressed adolescent often has feelings of abandonment, emotional detachment, withdrawal, and isolation. These children begin to develop an intense anger directed towards an adult society that they feel has hurt them and does not understand them. Parents need to to learn how to build relationships with these children and this can be accomplished through a process of emotional coaching, of allowing the child to express their feelings without judgment while providing clear guidance, limits, and expectations. It is often inconsistency and lack of clear guidance from parents that further the struggles for these children who then begin to seek guidance from misinformed peers. These children need love, affection, and a non-judgmental atmosphere. If love does not come from a meaningful and sustainable adult relationship then it will take on a new and contorted character where the concept of 'love' cmes from trying to be accepted by peers (even if they be negative ones) as the child will know that they will find a source of non-judgment and will be 'liked' even if it causes their eventual self-destruction. Affection that is not provided by adults who should be responsible, is then replaced by irresponsible sexual activity where the teen not only seeks for pleasure in a world that often provides only hurt, but feels once again that through sex, they can find a sense of acceptance and supposed emotional connection.
Some teens are so hurt and are suffering from the adults in their lives and the chaotic environment in which they dwell, that they turn to 'radical rebellion'. This can be seen with those children who are 'cutters' as well as those into such movements as punk and goth. With cutters, the emotional pain and trauma they have experienced is so intense, that their mental anguish manifests itself physically through the act of cutting. For the goth teen, who dwells in a world of emotional darkness and frequent experiences of despair, once again, this mental anguish displays itself in physical signs through the wearing of dark clothing, dark objects, body piercings and fascination with things associated with death. There are also those teens who involve themselves in gangs as they are seeking a sense of connection with a 'family', even if this 'family' causes them to engage in dangerous behavior. The desire for a connection with someone who they feel will accept them outweighs their thoughts any sense of danger or risk.
Teens are seeking autonomy, but they must be taught by responsible adults that this autonomy they desire also comes with responsibility. Many teens who are distressed feel that they are controlled and are criticized. Rarely, are distressed teens positives and strengths accentuated but teachers, parents, and others frequently focus on the negative. The child enters despair and has no motivation or drive to change because they have been taught by the adults around them the attitude of 'why bother' and the feeling that they are without worth.
Parents and others must stop looking at the child as the 'problem' or try through various means to uncover some 'hidden problem' or try to blame the problem on others. If the parent can be honest and instropective, no matter how difficult and even painful that may be, they will find that there are ways that they can help alleviate the suffering of their child and they may even uncover that there were ways they contibuted to this suffering. This does not mean the parent must wallow in guilt, but rather to recognize the things that must change for the teen and the family to have a more harmonious relationship.
Dan L. Edmunds is a noted therapist and consultant with children and families who ahve experienced trauma and emotional challenges. Edmunds is a doctoral candidate (abd) in Pastoral Community Counseling.
We all want to comfort our children after they suffer... Read More
Uh oh.Your kids arrive home with their school reports and... Read More
Software for parental control is a useful tool, if applied... Read More
It's the third time this week that Sam has complained... Read More
Are you glad for the chance to put your child... Read More
Q. Things have been relatively calm and OK with our... Read More
We want our children to do the right thing, especially... Read More
For many adults, reading a book or newspaper seems effortless.... Read More
1. You reheated the same cup of coffee three times... Read More
As parents, we strive to address all of the questions... Read More
Strollers offer a wonderful and convenient service to parents and... Read More
Childhood friendships are as special as they are a necessary... Read More
Does this sound familiar? Have your kids not listened to... Read More
Many years ago, my children were raised on the various... Read More
Most of us can agree that there is a lack... Read More
Checking accounts are an absolute necessity these days. You can... Read More
Recently, our family had the opportunity to care for sisters'... Read More
If your parenting methods include abuse of any kind; physical,... Read More
Volunteering together is a fantastic way to spend time as... Read More
I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More
Jason Meridith's two-year old son whines when he wants more... Read More
One of the basic issues we need to understand is... Read More
The formula is pretty straightforward: energy in/energy out. This is... Read More
Do you have a consistent problem with your child lying... Read More
The time you will need to teach your children the... Read More
led dome light bulbs led street lights retrofit Pete's produce ..Everyone in a private practice setting who works with children... Read More
Parents are in a unique position to "monitor" their children's... Read More
My son is 6 yrs old. He came home the... Read More
It's been said, time and again, that for a child... Read More
For every season, check, check, check, There is a chart,... Read More
A study done by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute found... Read More
Many of us have grown up drinking caffeinated diet sodas... Read More
The popularity of EEG Biofeedback Training continues to grow both... Read More
We all want to comfort our children after they suffer... Read More
Many reasons will cause some people to feel the need... Read More
Lets face it becoming a mum is a bit of... Read More
Younger generations unfortunately will not understand how larger than life... Read More
Vacations are fun ! Weekends with the family are nice.... Read More
Are you a frustrated parent who sometimes finds it is... Read More
Here we will come to know who are the most... Read More
When planning a child birthday party, just a little bit... Read More
There are two methods for teaching children to read; whole... Read More
As mothers, we play so many different roles and most... Read More
Something eerily familiar happened in KwaZulu-Natal's Hluhluwe-Umfolozi Park in Africa... Read More
Jason Meridith's two-year old son whines when he wants more... Read More
Search for Assurance: The Power of BelongingThe job hunt is... Read More
A great many parents are concerned that the electronic games... Read More
As with everything, names go through cycles of change with... Read More
To have reasonable expectations of our children is an important... Read More
Most of us recognize the continuing escalation of violence around... Read More
Parenting Parenting |