Drug testing

Developing a Fantastic Relationship with Your Child

Here's a scene: A parent "might suddenly grab a happliy playing child and shower him with excited hugs and kisses without warning." What's wrong with this picture?

I would say that, simply, the parent is not in synch with the child in the case described above. The parent is not on the same page. Yes, parents have to move over to their child's page to be "on the same page", not the other way around, starting in infancy. Parents who have no history of being treated with any sensitivity at all will have a hard time with this. But--here's the clincher--giving up is not an option! Here is how to practice getting more and more able to "read" what page someone is on

Step 1: Guess what they're thinking/experiencing at the moment and explain to yourself why you think so.

Step 2: Check it out with the person. In a very casual way, just say, "You know, I want to be a more aware person. I'm trying to understand you a little better, so I hope you'll help me. What I'm trying to do now is guess how you feel and why. Can I run by you what I came up with?"

Step 3: Be openminded about the answers you get. In other words, if you were way off, don't go crawl into a corner and say, "Oh, I'll never get this." Just write down in a special notebook reserved for this purpose (or talk into a tape recorder) their explanation and what you missed in your thinking the first time. Let the correct answer sink in so that you truly understand where the child came from.

Step 4: Try out your new learnings slowly. As you begin to "get it," don't assume you always will. Take slow steps in implementing anything. Think ten times before you react.

In the scene above, quoted from a famous researcher in child development, Ainsworth, if that parent had just slowed down before the hugs and kisses, the problem wouldn't have occurred. Ask yourself: What would that child like from me by way of response right now? Focus on the child's perspective. In the Ainsworth case above, that parent was actually selfish. He or she was in the mood to bestow hugs and kisses, but was the child in the mood to get them? Well, if the child is concentrating, then the answer is clearly, "No." Would you like to be interruped by your child when you're working on that important project for work? No. Well, the child, even a new infant, doesn't either. The best thing that parent could have done above, is just be there silently, taking in the world as the baby sees it. This, by the way, is a thrill for a parent, once you stop and make that switch to seeing the world from the child's perspective. You notice how the baby is fascinated by what we take for granted and it renews our sense of wonder at the Universe. Try it.

Here are four more strategies for developing a deep and strong connection with your child:

The first aspect of talking with your child is sharing the wisdom of your experience. This is for a little older children. Children absolutely hate this, yet it is so important for their development for some of the messages we have to get through.

How do you manage? You have to understand that the reason why they hate it is partly because they can't relate to it since they haven't been there, so it has no meaning to them, and partly because it has a faint ring to it of being superior--which makes them feel put down.

Handling this requires tact, slow moves, and subtle ones. Never, ever lecture. They will tune you out and you'll have accomplished nothing except drive a wedge between the two of you, something you don't want.

The child will, however, be very receptive if you have followed Gottman's 5-to-1 rule of giving five positives for every negative comment at a minimum. This is your second strategy. I would guess that the degree of receptiveness is directly proportional to the ratio of positive-to-negative comments. So, if you only give one negative comment in a week and it is stated very tactfully, it will probably be gracefully accepted by your child and he or she will be receptive to your "editorials" on his life.

Third, is to ask questions without making assumptions. (You know what happens to people who assume, right?) Just ask open-ended questions, such as, "What did you think of -- ?" or "How are you finding 10th grade?" Be pleasant and inviting. If you have cut out the criticisms and the negatives, this shouldn't be too hard and should get good results.

Finally, make your comments (if you must make comments) very low key. For example, there's a friend you don't care for too much. You could say, "You're going to the movie with Patricia?" Then kind of raise your eyebrows a little, as if to say, "Hmmmm." That should be enough. Don't actually say anything. Let the concern just hang there. Your communication will make your child just nervous enough to be paying closer attention to all the things about Patricia that your child doesn't notice in her.

Concluding this article, what do you notice that is missing? Come on. Take a moment to look at the whole thing.......What's missing is fun communication, just play, positive. Not necessarily compliments, just being happy together, sharing time together, joking around, playing, shopping, whatever, having fun. That, my friends, is the most important piece of all.

Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
Marriage and Family Therapist
http://www.abuse-recovery-and-marriage- counseling.com

In The News:

Longtime wildlife biologist Jim Ozier unties and then boards a small boat on Lake Jackson, an hour south of Atlanta.
The remains of two Civil War soldiers have been discovered in a surgeon’s burial pit at Manassas National Battlefield Park in Virginia.
The famous ancient site at Stonehenge may have been built using Greek philosopher Pythagoras’ famous theorem two millennia before the mathematical equation was developed, experts say.
If you live in the Northern Hemisphere, rejoice! The summer season officially kicks off on Thursday, thanks to the summer solstice.
The University of California, Riverside, explained Monday in a news release that the moniker “honors President Barack Obama’s passion for science.”
When one of the ocean's top predators washes up dead on a beach, it's likely that something fishy must have happened. On Sunday (June 17), beachgoers found a juvenile male great white shark (Carcharodon carcharias), weighing 500 pounds (225 kilograms), and reaching 8 feet (2.4 meter) long on Beer Can Beach in Aptos, California, near Santa Cruz, reported KION.
If a giant wave of plastic garbage washing up our shores seems like the stuff of science fiction, think again.
T. rex may have been a highly successful predator, but it would have been terrible at licking stamps, lollipops or popsicles, thanks to a tongue that was likely fixed to the bottom of its mouth.
A small space rock crashed into Mars recently, and NASA has captured an amazing view of its crater grave site, as well as the trail from an avalanche triggered by the impact.
New research suggests that a newly-discovered 'structure' in the San Andreas fault line could result in a massive earthquake, often referred to as the "big one."

The Child Chef

If you really want to get your children to eat... Read More

Dyslexia: Is the Shoe Perhaps on the Wrong Foot?

Reading is the most important skill that a child must... Read More

Public School Sex-Education Classes --- Bad News For Parents and Children

One of parents' most important duties is to protect their... Read More

Summer Marks the Time to Remember Active Supervision Around Family Swimming Pools

LOS ANGELES (May 19, 2005) - With Memorial Day weekend,... Read More

CAMP INJURIES- 7 Things You Must Know

WHEN AN INJURY HAPPENS AT CAMP, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED... Read More

How To Teach Your Children Love

I was in the life insurance sales industry for over... Read More

Building Self Confidence

Several similar terms describe the central attribute of a character... Read More

CPR: Why You Should Know It

I never dreamed that I would be in a position... Read More

Mommy, I Can?t Sleep! Sleep Disturbance in Children

"Just turn the lights off and go to sleep"Do you... Read More

ADHD: Some Survival Strategies for Parents

In our last issue we posted some of our suggested... Read More

Public-school Teachers Know Best --- They Send Their Kids To Private Schools

A study done by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute found... Read More

10 Steps to School Year Success

One of the most important aspects of parenting, is ensuring... Read More

Build Character Now! Practical Tools for Busy Parents

"To educate a person in mind and not in morals... Read More

Raising A High Maintenance Child

Do you have a high maintenance child?"Thank goodness my second... Read More

How To Use Positive Child Discipline

I am a single mother of a 17 year old... Read More

Top 25 Children Quotations

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: 3 Ways to Make the Time

Every now and then I'll get a story sent to... Read More

Busy, Working Parents --- 22 Ways To Homeschool Your Kids

If you're a single parent or a married couple on... Read More

Why Scrapbooking Moms are the Secret Weapon in the War on Terror

There is a front line and a back end to... Read More

From Good to GREAT: Secrets On Becoming A Better Dad

While most fathers aspire to become the best Dads they... Read More

Shopping with Children

Is your weekly shopping trip with the kids an absolute... Read More

Effective Troubled Teen Programs

Not all parents subscribe to the notion of "tough love,"... Read More

Parenting: Blending Familes - 9 Universal Laws

The law of -ing.The law of -ing refers to a... Read More

Surviving as a Single Parent

Emotional OverloadMany single parents say they deal with a variety... Read More

How to Make Kids More Likeable?

Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent more than the... Read More

induction tunnel induction self-ballasted Pete's produce ..