Drug testing

Dealing with Lying: The Dos and Donts

Jason Roberts listened to his son's explanation of the missing cookies and then called him a liar. Brenda Taylor thought her three-year-old's lies were cute, so she ignored them. Yee Chen told her daughter that if she told the truth this time, she would let it go.

While all of these parents love their children and want them to develop truth telling as a virtue, each violated one of the major do's and don'ts of dealing with lying. Read on to find out how.

1. Do understand that all children lie. Dogs bark. Cats meow. And children lie. Your neighbors' children lie. Your sister's children lie. And yes, your own children lie.

2. Don't confuse exaggeration with lying. Young children often exaggerate. Embellished stories are more a sign of a creative imagination than of a person who does not tell the truth. Pre-schoolers are spontaneous and impulsive with their explanations and stories. Don't confuse this with lying.

3. Don't label your child verbally or mentally brand your child as a liar. A liar is something one is - a part of one's being. Telling a lie is a behavior one does once in awhile. An occasional lie does not make your child a liar. It is a behavior your child chose, not a permanent part of his or her essence.

4. Don't ask questions that set your child up to lie. If the last piece of cake is gone and your daughter has cake crumbs on her face, don't ask if she ate the cake. That's laying a trap, expecting her to lie. Say instead, "I'm disappointed that you ate the cake. There will be no more snacks today."

5. Do be honest. If you're unsure whether or not your child broke the dish, say, "That doesn't sound like the truth to me," or, "I can't think of another way it could have happened." In this way you refrain from accusing your child and simply share your thoughts about the situation from your perspective.

6. Don't jump immediately to the conclusion that your child is lying as he or she relates a story. Your child's perspective on a situation may be different from yours. Your child may be seeing an event from one narrow point of view. Although your child's viewpoint may be markedly different from yours, that doesn't mean that he or he is lying.

7. Do recognize that a child who lies frequently is often struggling with a low self-esteem. This child has problems with identity and self-worth. In such a case, lying is a strategy to protect the self from feelings of not being good enough. Lying is the symptom, not the problem.

8. Do help your child be successful. Even the child who seems to lie frequently is looking for a chance and a way to be successful. If the child is feeling successful, he or she will feel less need to lie.

9. Don't ignore lying. The lies as well as the problems that underlie them will get bigger if lying is left unattended. Since lying is often about needing attention, a child who tells lies always has something to say, whether his or her comments are accurate or not. If little lies do not get your attention, do not be surprised if the lies increase in size and intensity.

10. Do recognize a lie as a call for help. Your child is attempting to communicate. He or she is saying, "Help me be successful, feel good about myself, gain a sense of belonging, and/or receive attention." Hear the words that lie beneath the lie.

11. Do reduce the power struggle over lying by saying, "I don't believe you" rather than "You're lying." When you accuse children of lying by saying, "You're a liar" or "You're lying," it's easy for them to argue that they were telling the truth. They can't argue, however, with your beliefs. "I don't believe you" is about you and what you believe.

12. Don't try to rationalize with your child as a way to deal with the lies. Lies aren't always rational, and the child who engages in lying is not in a rational frame of mind. You might understand rational, logical thinking at this point. Your child will not.

13. Do implement consequences that connect responsibilities to opportunities. "If you choose to lie about what you were doing on the Internet, you choose to lose that responsibility for a week." "When you choose not to tell the truth about what you prepared for dinner, you lose my trust and the opportunity to prepare your own dinner."

14. Do follow through on the consequences of lying. If your child has lost his or her bicycle opportunities for two days, make sure the two days is two days.

15. Don't make rules that will punish future lying or use threats to try to stop a child from lying. When you threaten a child with, "If you lie one more time . . ," the child hears, "I expect you to do that one more time."

16. Don't promise your child that if he or she tells the truth, the consequence will be lighter. This is a form of plea bargaining that confuses children. Hold your child accountable for his or her behavior (for example, breaking a window) as well as for the lie that attempted to cover it up. Refuse to be distracted from the original behavior.

17. Don't assume that everything your child says is a lie. If you always treat your child's words as lies, why should your child ever want to tell the truth? What incentive exists for truth telling if you're going to think what your child says is a lie anyway?

18. Do realize that transforming lying behavior takes time. Look for improvement in the behavior rather than for a complete elimination of it. As the child gains self-confidence, the reasons for lying diminish. As your child recognizes that he or she is telling fewer lies, your child will feel better about himself or herself, and the lying will decrease even more.

Reproduced with permission from Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller's monthy E-zine, The Response-Able Parenting Newsletter. All rights reserved worldwide.

Co-author: Thomas Haller

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They are the co-authors of "The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose."

Chick Moorman is a veteran educator who has invested more than 40 years working with children, parents, and teachers. More than 300,000 participants have attended his lectures.

Thomas Haller is a preeminent family and couples therapist. His private psychotherapy practice has specialized in couples and their families for over 25 years. Tom is a highly sought-after speaker on the topics of parenting and coupling. He is the director of the Healing Minds Institute.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are on a mission to empower parents, teachers, and care-givers so they can in turn empower the children they love and serve. To subscribe to Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller's monthly E-zine on Response-Able Parenting, go to http://chickmoorman.com

In The News:

On July 27, some people get a rare celestial treat: the longest total lunar eclipse of the century. As the Earth snuggles into perfect alignment between the moon and sun, its shadow will completely cover the moon. Rather than appearing as a black spot in the heavens, however, our sole natural satellite will exude a blood-red hue.
A boy and girl were bitten by sharks off New York's Long Island on Wednesday, officials said.
The bodies of nearly 100 people found at a school construction site in Sugar Land, Texas, have been determined to be the possible remains of African-American laborers, officials said.
BERLIN (AP) — An iceberg that has drifted perilously close to a remote Greenland village is so big it can be seen from space.
A pod of humpback whales put on a jaw-dropping display as they lunged for food right in front of a California tour boat in Monterey Bay last week.
Florida scientists have discovered a new species of dogfish shark with enormous eyes.
Explorers have found the wreck of a Russian Imperial Navy ship that was sunk 113 years ago and may contain $130 billion worth of gold bars and coins, according to news reports.
Expanding cracks and fissures at Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming have prompted officials to close certain areas to tourists.
Archaeologists in Ireland have uncovered a megalithic tomb containing two burial chambers, complete with elaborate carvings.
A team of scientists made an enormous discovery when they recently uncovered a "quadrillion" tons of diamonds,buried more than 100 miles below Earth's surface, according to a new study.

7 Easy Ideas for Organizing Kids Artwork

In school, kids are encouraged to create, draw, color, paint... Read More

Why Consistency Is The Key To Raising Well-behaved Kids

Being consistent when children are less than perfect can make... Read More

A Place For Everything: Its Childs Play

What parent hasn't gone into a son's or daughter's room... Read More

Teaching Kids to Read

We are all so very happy to see that the... Read More

Parents/Teens and Money ? 5 Ideas for Keeping the Peace

Children and teenagers are relentlessly bombarded with merchandise that entices.... Read More

Free Stuff for Twins: Incentives for Parents of Multiple Births

A sure way to double the joys of parenthood is... Read More

Let Kids Help

One fantastic way to get your children involved in what... Read More

Child Education

The initial state of happiness about an own child is... Read More

Family Meetings Are Now On The Agenda

"Not another meeting!"That tends to be the reaction from many... Read More

Pay Attention! Its Your Most Important Job

Anyone can become a parent; there are no tests or... Read More

Raising Kids on a Budget

There are only two ways to get more money:1) Increase... Read More

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Q. "What do you want to be when you grow... Read More

Public-school Teachers Know Best --- They Send Their Kids To Private Schools

A study done by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute found... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Truth or Lie?

Attention all parents of teen-agers. Here is an important, groundbreaking... Read More

How to Create an Emotional Bond with Your Child

One of the most powerful tools that parents have for... Read More

Saving Money on Preschool: Readiness Skills Needed for Kindergarten

As a mom of 4 who's youngest child is about... Read More

Your Child?s Self-Esteem is in The Cards

Research has shown that the present generation of children worldwide... Read More

Thriving As A Family When You Live In The Fast lane

It is extraordinary times that we find ourselves in. Change... Read More

Banishing Bedtime Blues

"My son won't go to bed at night without a... Read More

The Best and Worst of Motherhood

Until the moment I became a mother, I couldn't quite... Read More

Summer Marks the Time to Remember Active Supervision Around Family Swimming Pools

LOS ANGELES (May 19, 2005) - With Memorial Day weekend,... Read More

Homework Help for the Attention Deficit Child

Does the homework battle so typical with your hyperactive or... Read More

A Minute Can Turn into Hours for the Child of a Work-at-Home Mom

In theory, working at home is an ideal situation. But... Read More

Identifying Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in the Classroom: Eight Things Teachers Should

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is the phrase that is... Read More

Americas Public School System --- Brutal and Spartan

The public school system in America has become a dismal... Read More

led light bulbs cheap induction tunnel Pete's produce ..