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Create Your Dream Family

There has been much attention in the media of late on the transformation of families, Dr Phil's Phenomenal Family Series and Super Nanny to name a few. I recently had the pleasure of being featured on a radio program, Coaching Corners in New York in which I spoke about creating your dream family by becoming the parent you want to be. Many parents have this hope but do not know where to begin and how to get there. Others know what to do but get side tracked; finding their present state of their family is far from what they want it to be. I hope this article will help those who are new parents create your dream family and those seeking to transform your family. I want to make parenting easier, more meaningful and encourage parents in their efforts withthe following four principles.

First,create your vision of your dream family.

Look beyond the immediate behavior or situation seeking to be changed. Rather than focus on quick solutions, consider the big picture. The big picture reflects the long term or the more important values you are trying to make an impact upon. Corporations and businesses find they are more successful with a vision and mission statement to guide the daily efforts of their leaders and teams. You are leading your family toward a vision.

Here are questions to consider in creating your vision. What are your values and greatest desires for your family? Who are your parent role models and mentors? What families do you aspire to be like? What is your definition of success and happiness for your family? What experiences from childhood do you want to bring or not to your parenting? When considering your vision, you want to capture the essence of what you value and want to create.

Some examples of possible family visions include:

1. To teach and influence my children to be generous in spirit, have a contribution to make and become responsible citizens.

2. I want my home to be a safe haven, a place of laughter and fun in which my children want to be home and the neighborhood children feel welcome.

3. I want to create a family which values learning and curiosity and celebration of one's uniqueness.

The above 3 combined can be one family's vision statement. It is important to note, one's vision and values are not to be judged. There are different versions of success and happiness.

Second, change yourself and you will have influence over the destiny of your family. You can influence the outcome of your child's self-esteem, behaviors, and values through your relationship, approach and modeling. Pay attention to how your communication, discipline methods, use of family time, habits and routines, and activities supports your vision. Many parents seek help with discipline issues. One of the most common errors a parent makes is in focusing on the wished for outcome. It is easy to get attached to the outcome of your efforts. The more attached to needing your child to change, the more likely to become frustrated and unwilling to stay focused on you. So instead, as you approach your child's behavior and discipline I suggest you 1)be very clear and focused on what you want to create (rather than stop), 2)let go of needing your children to be different, 3)recognize and change your own behavior which interferes, and 4)have faith and patience with the process.

Third, one size does not fit all.

Over the course of my 18 year career working with families, many parents have sought my services to deal with problem behavior hoping to find the 'right' strategy to 'cure' the behavior of their child. There are some strategies suited for some parents and some to others. Parents sift through many books seeking to find the answer. Some books conflict with others, some walk you through each step with what to expect and how to respond. It can seem overwhelming and confusing.

Instead of searching for the 'right' way to raise your children, you can: Experiment with approaches which seem in line with your philosophy Explore new possibilities, be creative Grow along with your children, learning from mistakes, being willing to struggle Use your unique strengths and skills Pay attention to your intuition

When you keep the big picture in mind, the choice of parenting strategy will become apparent to you. In other words, have a vision and your approach will follow hence making parenting easier and more meaningful.

Fourth, change necessary areas of your life to support your family vision. You can make your family a priority without losing yourself or your marriage in the process. Staying on track with your parenting efforts can be supported by other areas of your life. Example areas to keep in check:

Health and well being.

If you are exhausted, you will get in the way of your dream becoming reality. Adequate sleep and leisure time for self are essential. In order to take care of yourself, admit you cannot do it all, acknowledge your struggles, and accept your own limitations. Even, ask for help!

Marital and co-parenting relationship.

It is very important you share a similar vision and approach to parenting. Notice what you each contribute that may be different but equally valued. Give time to yourselves as a couple. Ah, the famous last words, "Remember, when we used to?"

Financial/Professional.

Yes, you can seek financial/professional and family success together. It may be necessary to reevaluate the intent of your financial and work related goals if it is interfering with your family vision.

Create Your Dream Family TELECLASS Begins May 11th. Two classes offered, 11:00am and 12:00pm Go to www.baystatecoaching.com for details on class and registration. Email lisa@baystatecoaching.com

Lisa Martelli of Baystate Coaching is a Personal and Career Coach with 18 years experience as a psychotherapist. She provides ongoing one-on-one coaching via telephone and also offers teleclasses, and workshops on location.

In The News:

The Stellar Daisy, a massive South Korean tanker that sank in March 2017, was found on the floor of the South Atlantic Ocean nearly two years later, the CEO of an ocean exploration company revealed Sunday.
A strange spider with glowing eyes that lived more than 100 million years ago was recently discovered by paleontologists working in South Korea. 
The intense polar vortex that blanketed the Midwest and made its way to the East Coast with deadly subzero wild chills and snow may have had one benefit: killing off some bad bugs.
Colorado construction workers have made a surprising discovery, unearthing human bones of a Native American man that could date back a millennium.
Skygazers will be treated to the “super snow moon,” on Feb. 19, the largest supermoon of 2019.
In November 2016, astronomers watched a young star some 1,500 light-years away from Earth belch out an explosion of plasma and radiation that was roughly 10 billion times more powerful than any flare ever seen leaving Earth's sun. This sudden stellar eruption may be the most luminous known flare ever released by a young star — and it could help scientists better understand the still-murky process of star formation.
An audacious attempt to find explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton’s ship Endurance has been called off after the expedition team lost an undersea drone beneath Antarctic ice.
“Our wish is to fly this year,” NASA official Thomas Zurbuchen said at the surprise announcement of a new Moon mission overnight. “We want to incentive speed … We want to start taking shots on goal.”
Bones recently found in a Siberian cave have given researchers a new glimpse into the timeline of an extinct human species. The species – known as Denisovans – at one time lived alongside Neanderthals in the same cave, the evidence showed.
NASA's Opportunity Rover has died on Mars.

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