For many years underparenting was perhaps the biggest problem facing children.
Recently there has emerged another type of parenting that, whilst never as harmful as underparenting, can be detrimental to children's healthy development? that is, the trend by many of the current generation of parents to overparent their children.
Overparenting occurs when parents solve children's problems rather than give them the chance to overcome problems themselves. It occurs when parents allow children to avoid legitimately challenging situations so they won't be inconvenienced. It also occurs when too much control or too much order is imposed on children.
Overparenting is predominantly a mindset. It is a belief that children can't overcome difficulties themselves and they can't cope with discomfort or disappointment. It comes with increased affluence but it can occur in any socio-economic group. From my observation, it is more likely to occur in smaller rather than larger families or in families where a death has occurred or tragedy has been a visitor.
An overparented child is a protected, spoiled child. He or she often lacks real confidence and won't take many risks. An overprotected child avoids new situations and looks to hide behind his parents when difficulties or challenges arise.
An overparented child can be any age but often becomes more apparent in middle primary school when the challenges children meet start to multiply. The overparenting may have occurred in the early years but the results only become apparent during this stage.
Some children by their nature place more demands on their parents, which results in overparenting. They receive more attention, more material possessions and more spoiling than they need because they can so bloody-minded and so insistent that parents give in just for some peace and quiet.
Sometimes circumstances such as family breakdown or a change of circumstances can lead to overparenting or overprotection as a form of compensation for the inconvenience that has been caused. While a child's behaviour may lead to feelings of guilt overparenting in this manner doesn't do the child any favours in the long term.
How can a parent break from a pattern of overparenting? This is hard to do because overparenting can seem so normal. However if a child is so reliant on a parents that they think they can't cope without them then it is time to take some action.
Parental illness is one way to change overparenting, although it is not a recommended course of action. When a parent is incapacitated or sick for a lengthy period of time children generally have no choice but to fend for themselves in a whole range of ways. From my observation of families I am constantly amazed how children rise to a challenge when they have to.
Another way to kick the overparenting habit is to do so by stealth. Little by little parents need to pull back on the over-assistance that they provide children. They can start by insisting children walk to school (provided this is reasonable from the perspective of safety and their wellbeing), get themselves up each morning or other simple forms of self-help as required. When a new behaviour becomes the norm rather than the exception then it is best to look for another area to withdraw their assistance from.
Another way to defeat the overparenting habit it to give children ideas, tips and techniques to cope with their challenges rather than allow them to avoid or pull out of challenges. For instance, a child who wants to pull out of an after school class after three weeks because they haven't any friends may need some ideas about either how to make friends or make do without friends until the end of term.
It helps to develop a "Hang tough" attitude rather than a "Let's try something else when things get tough" attitude. Overparenting prevents children from developing a "Hang Tough" attitude.
From my experience those children who do best at school and beyond the school years are those who have parents whose first response is to teach and support rather than protect or compensate when social, physical or intellectual challenges occur. It also helps to have parents who show absolute, unwavering confidence in a child's ability to cope and fend for him or herself, yet be wise enough to know when children need their help and compassionate enough to lend a hand once in while.
It is hard to get the balance right between developing real independence and not placing too much responsibility on children. It is essential for all sorts of reasons that childhood be protected, even prolonged. But that doesn't mean that children be closeted, spoiled or get every material good they want. Effective parenting is a balancing act between the head and the heart, between providing opportunities for resourcefulness and showing compassion, and between being a supportive parent and a protective parent.
Michael Grose is The Parent Coach. For seventeen years he has been helping parents deal with the rigours of raising kids and survive!! For information about Michael's Parent Coaching programs or just some fine advice and ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au
Ashton group transportation logistics management ..Most teens go into the work world ill-prepared to manage... Read More
Your child's first year of school should be a fun... Read More
Although nothing anybody says can ever completely prepare a woman... Read More
Just the other day, I was talking to some other... Read More
Ok. So you're a dad to be. If you're like... Read More
I still remember the scene vividly. I was getting out... Read More
So you want to be a mum? Every time you... Read More
Children think money grows on trees. Maybe not literally, but... Read More
Who Can Register A Birth? The child's mother... Read More
Home schooling. What is it? What does it mean to... Read More
In a consumer-driven society that broadcasts values you don't approve... Read More
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience... Read More
There may really be a real monster under your kid???s... Read More
The following spelling games can be used by parents to... Read More
In 1996-97 we were contracted by VAXA International of Tampa,... Read More
It was a day that I will forever be etched... Read More
All babies cry, but if yours cries a lot, isn't... Read More
Are you a frustrated parent who sometimes finds it is... Read More
Giving advice to a teenager is very easy; getting a... Read More
Today's dads are more hands-on than ever before and their... Read More
Many people still think that the game of chess is... Read More
Some children practically potty train themselves, while others struggle and... Read More
What makes parenting so challenging at times? One widespread research... Read More
Researching career education uncovered the following shocking statistic: The average... Read More
When my oldest daughter was born, I walked the floor... Read More
group transportation logistics management Highland ..Early childhood educators have called play "children's work". Many parents... Read More
Your child's leadership skills begin at the family dinner table.... Read More
Homes should be run by parents, not children. So many... Read More
Did you know that over 75% of teens aged 16-17... Read More
How would you like to have more time? Of course... Read More
Teenagers are a work-in-progress, and parenting teenagers can be tricky... Read More
How many times have you flipped through the pages of... Read More
School authorities often complain that classes are too large. They... Read More
Most parents at some stage are driven to distraction by... Read More
'Whose room is it anyway?'If you have a teenager, you're... Read More
Many parents struggle with solutions to put their child on... Read More
Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent or teacher more... Read More
Voices!So many voices crying out for adherence and so many... Read More
Below is a copy of our eating program for Attention... Read More
The girl's jaw dropped in horror as the police officer... Read More
IntroductionAs a parent who wants the best for your children,... Read More
Parents are in a unique position to "monitor" their children's... Read More
In elementary school it's pretty straightforward: bringing in cupcakes to... Read More
Throughout the year, many days of celebration are tucked capriciously... Read More
In 1996-97 we were contracted by VAXA International of Tampa,... Read More
Article based on a friend's experienceI just wanted to share... Read More
Dear MomOn this day set aside to honour "Mother's" let... Read More
I recently heard a story that has literally changed the... Read More
Single parenting has seemingly become an acceptable norm which is... Read More
For the most positive daycare experience for your child, partner... Read More
Parenting |